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We ask you: Which iconic British creature must be on banknotes or you'll riot?

THE Bank of England has announced the 18-strong shortlist of beasts for British banknotes and the country is in uproar. Which will you go to war to be included? 

Roy Hobbs, retired: “Putting the buff-tailed bumblebee in there is clear bias toward bee-tattooed Andy Burnham. Instead I shall be backing the common frog, in honour of Nigel Farage.”

Hannah Tomlinson, dog groomer: “Dolphins? Doesn’t King Charles already own them? Now he wants them on the £50 on the flip side of his jowly face? The ego on this prick.”

Steve Malley, cobbler: “If I pick the pine marten, will people think it’s because I’m pining for Martin? Because I’m not. I never even think about him these days. You brought him up.”

Helen Archer, physiotherapist: “The hedgehog because they’re flat aren’t they, like money is. Or they are when I see them.”

Martin Bishop, cave diver: “Christ, put together like this our animals really are shit, aren’t they? It’s no wonder we nicked the lion for England shirts.”

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Skiving work and other activities surprisingly good for your mental health

COUNTRY walks and meditation aren’t the only boosters for mental health. These easy everyday activities also bring wonderful benefits: 

Skiving work

Weekends and holidays are obviously great ways to destress, but can’t compare to the full-body feel-good sensation of emailing your boss at 8.58am to say you won’t be in today, as it slowly sinks in you’ve got a whole day to nothing but piss about and it’s all paid for by them. Buddhist monks take lifetimes to achieve such inner peace.

Scrolling your phone

The negative effects of scrolling are over-exaggerated. Swiping through endless comedy clips, cute animals and thirst traps floods your brain with dopamine. It’s incredible. They only say it’s bad for you because they hate you being this happy which it why they’re trying to ban teens from doing it.

Eating a takeaway

Nobody eats salad when they’re sad. That’s because it lacks the ingredients the body needs to cheer up, like BBQ sauce and flame-grilled patties. Jabbing your phone until a burger arrives is good for your soul plus means no washing-up. Therapists who don’t recommend báhn mí should be struck off for gross negligence.

Not journaling

Journaling involves confronting your inner demons and writing them down in a little book. How could that work? Cataloguing everything you hate? You’ll feel much better if you don’t bother. If you must put pen to paper, try doodling a knob or a pair of tits instead. That always raises a smile.

Remaining physically inactive

Exercise is tiring, expensive and frequently results in physical harm. Lying on the sofa, in contrast, is safe and comfortable. Pair that with a TV and a grab bag of Doritos, and you’ve created a sanctuary more tranquil than a sensory deprivation tank. Fashion a catheter from your groin to the toilet and you’ve achieved nirvana.

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