Weirdo prefers sex to internet pornography

A 28-YEAR-OLD man had admitted preferring sexual intercourse with his partner to looking at porn on the internet.

Julian Cook described feeling compelled to have sex with his long-term girlfriend despite the plethora of high quality explicit content available online.

He said: “I know it’s not considered normal to enjoy intimate physical contact with a member of the opposite sex, especially one with whom you share an emotional bond.

“A psychologically healthy man of my age should be in a spare bedroom hunched over a monitor, with multiple browsers simultaneously displaying a range of depraved acts in clinical detail.

“I really want a conventional, addicted attitude to online porn, like all my friends have got.

“Somehow though my brain is wired up incorrectly and I prefer the act of lovemaking to masturbating over depraved video clips starring people with desperate lives.

“It’s as if I mentally associate sex with emotion or something fucked up like that.”

Cook’s best friend Tom Booker said: “Like the rest of our social group, I rarely get intimate with my wife any more because it’s such an empty experience compared to looking at pornography aggregator websites on a computer.

“Julian’s girlfriend hasn’t even had radical cosmetic surgery and doesn’t do any of the things that make a lady attractive, like referring to herself as a ‘filthy whore’.

“I keep telling him he needs to leave her alone after 6pm, developing a strong porn life is all about having the willpower to avoid physical closeness.”

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Kay Burley unveiled as new Pixies bassist

THE Pixies have recruited Sky News presenter Kay Burley as their new bassist.

Burley was chosen by the band after a series of auditions, in which she stood out for her confident and emotionally distant style.

Singer Black Francis said: “We can’t afford surprises, or showboating – this tour has got to pay for the storm proofing of my basement, and Joey’s Mom’s new Aquability bath.

“Kay’s perfect, because she plays bass like a kid chewing cabbage. She knows it’s a chore, not a game, and she’ll keep hammering away.”

Burley commented “Fans of my broadcast work might see this as a bit of a departure, but if you can accost grieving people on live TV without flinching, you’re well on your way to developing the ultimate ‘bass face’.

“Francis said he knew he had to hire me when the rest of the band burst into tears during my first audition. I just kept probing those strings like they were Peter Andre and only my relentlessness would make them give up the goods.”

Pixies fan Tom Logan said “Now that Kay’s involved, the fans know they’re going to get exactly what they’ve paid for.

Where Is My Mind will sound exactly like it does on Surfer Rosa, they will definitely end with Debaser, and we’ll all be out and on our way home by 11.15.”