English to get benefits whether or not they speak English

ENGLISH people will continue to receive benefits even if they make no attempt to speak, read or write in English.

New rules will deny benefits to those who have had the fewest opportunities to learn the native language, while offering a weekly stipend to those who have heard it every day of their lives but still refuse to make proper use of it.

Nicolae Stamescu, from the Romanian town of Covasna, said: “I try do English but it take long time. How you at Romanian today?”

Nathan Muir, an unemployed sociology graduate from Exeter, said: “I try do English but it take long time. Look at funny thing on phone.”

He added: “I get money from guvnerment coz school not help my brain.”

Julian Cook, professor of two-tier systems at Roehampton University, said: “The key principle is that the better your command of English the more money you should get from the taxpayer.

“For example, MPs, those nice people who run the Royal Bank of Scotland and Her Majesty the Queen.”


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Students home to dump boyfriends and fix parents' broadband

THE UK’s students have arrived home to get their parents’ internet working and end long-term relationships.

The students admitted they are not looking forward to either task, though are divided about which will prove more difficult.

Carolyn Ryan, studying French at Keele, said: “The broadband, which hasn’t worked since November with the bonus of really uncluttering my Facebook feed, is probably going to be a matter of turning it off and on again.

“The boyfriend, on the other hand, needs to be gently told that it’s over without arousing suspicion that I’ve been shagging our corridor’s Resident Advisor since the second day of term.”

Biochemistry student Nathan Muir said: “The PC at home’s going to be a four-hour job, because Dad has no idea how to clear the viruses and spyware from all the porn sites he pretends he doesn’t visit.

“Breaking up with Megan, on the other hand, should be as easy as showing her my new rainbow flag and ‘I Heart Boys’ tattoos.”

Students have confirmed that once those unpleasant jobs are disposed of, they will be clogging up local pubs to show off their new piercings while having loud conversations about oppression.