Food police will be trained in eight kinds of bun

BRITAIN’S new food police will be able to name all eight varieties of edible bun.

The elite officers will be trained in how to spot almost every type of food and be able to asses whether or not it is behaving unusually.

The unit is to be established after consumers ate horses instead of the magnificent cows they paid less than a pound for.

Home Secretary Theresa May said: “We currently have no idea how many counterfeit Penguins are in circulation. It could be as high as a billion.

“But the only person who can tell us that is a state-of-the-art biscuit detective who specialises in chocolate-covered chocolate biscuit sandwiches.”

Mrs May added: “Right now there are 25 cheese crimes being committed in Britain. That includes everything from making cheese out of painted meat to rubbing some Primula into an old lady’s face.”

Mrs May confirmed that the food police will have jurisdiction over anything that is eaten.

She said: “If you kill someone and then eat them that will be a food crime that also happens to be a murder.”

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Mail Online journalist writing about a 'baby mama' had dreams once

THE writer of a Mail Online story about a ‘baby mama’ has said she once had dreams of doing something worthwhile.

38-year-old Emma Bradford reflected on her existence after filing a story about an American reality TV cast member’s pregnant girlfriend.

In an accompanying photo the ‘baby mama’ is depicted eating an ice cream that is described as a ‘sweet treat’.

She said: “Although I wrote that story two minutes ago I can’t remember exactly who or what it was about. I only remember typing the phrase ‘baby mama’.

“‘Baby mama’.”

Bradford continued: “I was good at English at school. The teachers really liked my stories and said one day I might write a book.

“I remember having lots of ideas for books, wonderful books full of humanity and meaning.

“Books that didn’t feature the phrase ‘baby mama’. Or ‘side boob’.

“But the past, as they say, is another country.”

She added: “This office is three stories up. If I jumped out of the window, would it be fatal? Or do I need to go up on the roof?”