BRITAIN’S new food police will be able to name all eight varieties of edible bun.
The elite officers will be trained in how to spot almost every type of food and be able to asses whether or not it is behaving unusually.
The unit is to be established after consumers ate horses instead of the magnificent cows they paid less than a pound for.
Home Secretary Theresa May said: “We currently have no idea how many counterfeit Penguins are in circulation. It could be as high as a billion.
“But the only person who can tell us that is a state-of-the-art biscuit detective who specialises in chocolate-covered chocolate biscuit sandwiches.”
Mrs May added: “Right now there are 25 cheese crimes being committed in Britain. That includes everything from making cheese out of painted meat to rubbing some Primula into an old lady’s face.”
Mrs May confirmed that the food police will have jurisdiction over anything that is eaten.
She said: “If you kill someone and then eat them that will be a food crime that also happens to be a murder.”