Prehistoric man worried about getting on 'cave ladder'

OUR ancestors worried about the cave market and borrowed pelts to buy their dwellings, according to archaeologists.

An archaeological dig in Hampshire has revealed that early humans were obsessed with owning their underground shelters from the elements.

Archaeologist Denys Finch Hatton said: “Cave paintings suggest that despite constant danger from bears and rival tribes, early man’s primary concern was buying a series of incrementally larger caves.

“Early property-themed art shows prehistoric humans living with their parents until the age of 20, which given their life expectancy, was the equivalent of being in their late 50s.

“One depicts a cave couple who had clearly spent too much on their cave during a ‘cave boom’, and were having to move their rudimentary tools and bedding into a bush in an undesirable forest location.

“We see them make cuts to their budget by eating nuts and berries while all the other cave people are tucking into mammoth steaks and drink cloudy, fermented vegetable juice.”

Finch Hatton said early man’s property problems also included an obsessive desire to increase the value of their caves by digging several holes in the ground to serve as additional bathrooms and utility rooms.

He added: “One of the most intriguing paintings shows an attractive female shaman showing couples more expensive caves away from flood plains and sabre-toothed tigers.

“Interestingly, similar digs in Europe show that continental cave people didn’t get so hung up about it and just rented a cave.”

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People have been calling me 'Scrooge' because I got spotted in Poundland

Dear Holly,

People have been calling me ‘Scrooge’ because I got spotted shopping in Poundland recently. I’m not bothered about the name calling, I’ve been called worse in my time, but I am concerned that my wife will have seen the photos in the papers and will realise her luxury mini spanner set and jumbo pack of Bodyform Ultra aren’t really from Selfridges. The magic of Christmas is potentially ruined. How can I fix it?

John Terry


Dear John,

Just ignore the nasty people calling you names, and focus on the real meaning of Christmas. If Jesus was alive today the three wise men would probably buy their gifts in Poundland too, and Mary would buy all the family clothes from George at Asda, and they’d all spend Christmas Day eating Iceland party platters in a Premier Inn. In the end all that matters is that we buy lots and lots of cheap products which we don’t really want, and eat nets full of chocolate coins until we puke.

Hope that helps!