Wetherspoon Sunday roast was family’s last shred of respectability

A FAMILY has gone feral after learning that Wetherspoon pubs will no longer serve roast dinners.

The Hayes family would gather weekly at their local Wetherspoon and pretend to be a functioning social unit.

Wayne Hayes said: “That black gravy was the glue holding this family together. 

“Of course I’d be getting drunk and slurry by two in the afternoon but that roast told everyone that we were a decent, normal family like in an advert for dishwasher tablets.

“If anyone ever questioned my parenting skills I had a trump card in the form of a dry Yorkshire pudding, the inside of which looked like a spider’s web.”

Faced with the terrifying possibility of cooking a meal for a family of four, Wayne and wife Cathy have opted instead to shed the thin veneer of respectability and live as beasts in a local wood.

Cathy Hayes said: “From now on instead of sitting down as a family together every Sunday we’re going to roam the streets of the city turning over bins and scavenging any sustenance we can find.”

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Pellegrini tells City to shove their cup

MANUEL Pellegrini has confirmed that Manchester City can stick the League Cup up its backside.

Following the club’s win over Liverpool Pellegrini said: “I am delighted for me, obviously, but the rest of the club can go take a jogging fuck at a rolling bin for the next thousand years.

“This applies especially to the players, who showed today that they can do their £100k-a-week job when the mood takes them, and not just once their boss has been given his P45.

“Now if you will excuse me I’m off home, I have some people viewing my house, which I am having to sell due to those horde of arseholes I just mentioned.”

Meanwhile, the trophy cabinet of the Etihad stadium has been extended by 3,000 square feet in anticipation of Pep Guardiola’s ascent from heaven.

Pellegrini added: “I wish Pep all the best in his two and a bit years at the club before they decide he’s also too small for them and they want Jesus or Godzilla instead.”