DiCaprio’s face frozen in self-satisfied smirk

DOCTORS are fighting to remove the smug half-smile from Leonardo DiCaprio’s face, it has emerged.

The Best Actor Oscar winner called an ambulance at 5am after being unable to return his facial muscles to a neutral position.

Surgeon Tom Booker said: “Years of looking pleased with himself have caused Leo’s face to lock into an expression of extreme self-satisfaction.

“It’s very painful and although the face says ‘I really am the shit’ if you look closely you can see the cold terror behind his eyes.”

Doctors are using a combination of deep tissue massage and telling him the The Great Gatsby was really quite poor.

Booker said: “Leo seems to have a charmed life of having sex with models in a massive house full of gold trinkets. But all he really wants is the ability to do the pissed-off facial expression of a normal person opening their fridge to discover there’s no milk.”

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An extra day of February, how f**king fantastic, says Britain

BRITAIN is absolutely delighted to be enjoying an extra day of its favourite month of the year. 

The leap year means the month which combines all the cold of winter with all the rain of spring, lasts a whole 24 wonderful hours longer.

Carolyn Ryan, from Hull, said: “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wondered if this month would ever fucking end, and now it doesn’t have to. I literally can’t convey my joy.”

Employers have confirmed that nobody will be getting an extra day’s salary, which many have described as ‘the icing on the cake’.

Stephen Malley, from Peterborough, said: “There are people who say, ‘Hey, June has but 30 days, let’s have our leap year day then instead.’

“Are they crazy? There’s already too little of February, the month which has everything from perpetual darkness to paying off your Christmas credit card bill.

“Plus women can ask men to marry them, a gesture of weary despair perfectly attuned to the month it’s in.

“If I had my way February would be two months long.”