Bacon works on Muslims like garlic on vampires, claims racist

A RACIST believes pork products can cause Muslims to burn up and crumble into dust.

Martin Bishop, from Croydon, has written to his MP suggesting the military applications of gammon, pork and ham should be explored as a matter of urgency.

He said: “There are already drivers smearing bacon fat on their lorries to deter migrants, and the only issue is the constant spontaneous combustions can keep them awake.

“But we should be hanging up bacon crucifixes at Tube stations to deter terrorists, giving our policemen pork belly body armour, and issuing the public with sausage guns.

“They’re basically Nerf guns that fire sausages. Harmless fun for innocent Brits; deadly to ISIS.

“I myself carry two slices of honey-roast ham in my jacket pockets at all times, so if it comes to a throw down with a terrorist I can deliver an instantly explosive punch.

“Sometimes on the way home, if the terror threat level’s moderate or below, I eat it.”

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Woman really regretting hat

A YOUNG woman on a night out with friends has admitted she should not have worn a hat.

Ellie Shaw, 24, who believed the black fedora would go very well with her caramel hair, has now realised that being the ‘hat chick’ is not good.

She said: “I’ve heard five different groups of girls say ‘Who the fuck does she think she is, wearing that hat?’.

“One group were my own best friends, who thought I wasn’t listening. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror and I have to say I agree with them.”

She added: “Meanwhile, the biggest twat in any group of men takes it off my head and refuses to give it back. That’s happened six times.”

Style expert Francesca Johnson said: “We do always put women in hats for makeovers, but that’s just because we’re cruel.”