Which font should you use for a racist letter to your neighbours?

WRITING a racist note for your neighbours’ door? Without the right font, nobody will take your unjustifiable prejudices and unlikely threats seriously. Try these: 

Times New Roman

Used by many major newspapers, Times New Roman will give your xenophobic hatred a sense of officious formality. But you run the risk of someone mistaking your carefully-composed screed for just another Daily Express thinkpiece.

Lucida Handwriting 

To the inexperienced eye, this font makes it look like you’ve gone to the effort of hand-penning each and every one of your Nazi style propaganda leaflets, a personal touch which is bound to connect with your intended audience. Try not to be too informal; you want them to emigrate, not join your reading group.


The font used by British road signs is ideal for clearly and legibly directing your non-British readers to leave the country by the shortest available route. They’ll obey automatically, unless they’re HGV drivers.


A lot of ‘them’ have their own funny alphabets, which is just one of the reasons they shouldn’t be here any more. It’s beneath your patriotic dignity to use them, so recreate their meaningless gabble by using Wingdings. Nothing better than writing ‘SPEAK ENGLISH’ in a font that’s perfectly illegible.

Comic Sans 

Boom! You’ve found it. Finally, a font which truly reflects your emotional age. Use this and not only will you be able to display your hate speech in your block of flats but also every primary school notice board within a 30km radius. Plus, with this font, there’s no doubt that you voted for Brexit.

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Rightmove better than porn, women confirm

WOMEN have confirmed that they find browsing online property website Rightmove to be more sexually stimulating than any pornography. 

The site, which offers tastefully shot pictures of large, tidy houses, has replaced erotic fantasies for millions of women who admit they find it hard to climax without it.

Tom Logan of Derby said: “When I come up to bed, Rebecca locks her phone and pretends to be asleep. One time, though, I caught sight of her screen and I admit I feel a bit shaken. Five double bedrooms. Detached. It was really niche stuff.”

Rebecca Logan said: “You just keep swiping, wondering what you’ll see next. One minute it’s a cottage in the Cotswolds, the next you’ve stumbled across a farm in France with extensive outbuildings.

“From there you end up looking at abandoned water mills in the Pyrenees, or former baronial castles in the West Highlands. You should probably go back but you just keep scrolling.

“I know I should involve Tom but it’s just too much like hard work. Plus, it’s not necessarily what I’d want in real life. Imagine the stamp duty.”

Tom said, “My thing is studio flats in Berlin, but Rebecca doesn’t need to know that.”