'Why do you never see ghosts in shell suits?' and other unanswered supernatural questions

DO you know a credulous idiot who thinks ghosts or UFOs are real? Here’s how to pick holes in their stupid beliefs for their own good.

Why do you never see ghosts in shell suits?

Whenever someone sees a ghost it’s invariably dressed in clothes from the olden days, but why? It’s not like people stopped dying in 1905. Surely it’s just as likely you’d see a ghost dressed in a melted shell suit who’s been run over by a car as a grey lady in a Victorian dress who – predictably – died of consumption?

Why are poltergeists so boringly domestic?

Ghosts should be exciting, so why are so many found doing tedious stuff in people’s homes, likes emptying cupboards or throwing a spoon across the kitchen? It’s basically the same as having a badly behaved toddler, and not as cute.

Why would lights in the sky be anything other than aeroplanes?

If you see a light in the sky, the most likely explanation is that it’s an aeroplane. Ah, but paranormal fans say, it wasn’t moving in the right way. Baffling, unless you consider other-worldly possibilities like a helicopter or a drone. There are many much simpler explanations than an alien spaceship was reconnoitring Cheam before vanishing into another dimension.

Why does a cold draft need further explanation?

A frequently reported effect of a ghostly presence is suddenly feeling a cold draft. Given that we live in a bloody freezing country fully of poorly insulated homes and we can’t afford to put the heating on, it’s no wonder people suddenly feel chilly for no apparent reason.

Why haven’t aliens made contact?

Some people think extraterrestrial lifeforms won’t visit earth until a point in human history when things have got so bad we need an intervention. But if we aren’t there now with our current mess, how awful does it need to get? Maybe they’ve already been, judged us to be f**ked and pissed off again.

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'This pissant country is not worthy of my wife's millions,' Rishi Sunak explains

RISHI Sunak has explained that his wife retains non-domiciled status because he would never let her live in a blighted hellhole like Britain.

The chancellor told the press he could not allow his wife Akshata Murthy to be tainted by the mark of shame that is residence in the UK.

He continued: “It’s not the taxes. She wouldn’t pay those no matter where she lived. It’s Britain.

“Just look around at the place. The rain, the people, houses that cost less than £5 million, Doncaster, the lack of concierge services covering mid-Wales. It simply isn’t good enough.

“Yes I’m in a senior government post, but to someone as pure and rich as her I’m essentially a shop assistant. She’s not likely to pay taxes when she knows I’ll be there wasting them on Boris’s latest vanity project.

“You have to understand. Her father is a billionaire. She is a multi-millionaire. She is an angel of wealth who hovers above the earth. She is domiciled everywhere and nowhere simultaneously. Britain is beneath her.

“But I have sworn to work tirelessly to make this country a haven for the super-rich and I hope one day, when capital gains tax is zero and corporate structures entirely opaque, she may move a few million here. That’s my dream.”