10 Downing Street as an Airbnb: Five public assets after the Tories have flogged them to their mates

SELLING off Channel 4 is surely just the start. What other public assets do the Tories have their beady, greedy little eyes on, and how will they ruin them for an ultimately inconsequential profit?

Hyde Park to become Dido Harding’s private racecourse

The former jockey is flush with cash after heading up the super-successful test and trace scheme. Selling Hyde Park to her will recoup some of the totally wasted £37 billion, and Dido will be able to gallop to her heart’s content. The public, needless to say, can f**k off and if they want urban green spaces, go and look at a five-a-side pitch behind a security fence.

The M1, a rule-free racing track for wealthy libertarian drivers

Sick of woke regulations such as speed limits, drink driving laws, seat belts and no wanking while driving? The M1 will become the first libertarian motorway where no rules apply. Traffic is likely to fall when drivers discover life expectancy on the anarchic freeway is 21 minutes, but in true Tory libertarian fashion they will blame it on not being able to drive at 500mph, which is somehow safer.

Public libraries devoted to the works of Boris Johnson and Nadine Dorries

Time for revenge against those lefty librarians who snickered about the howlers in Johnson’s Winston Churchill book and Dorries’ toe-curling sex scenes. Existing books will be burned and libraries piled high with unsold tomes by the PM and culture minister. It may even serve a historical function, since no one else will bother to preserve terrible novels full of ‘hook nosed’ Arabs (Johnson) or Irish characters fluent in Oirish, eg. ‘That’ll be grand for the boxty bread’ (Dorries}.

Big Ben, converted into a patriotic rocket

Eat your hearts out, Branson and Musk – Britain’s conquest of the stars will finally get underway with Big Ben’s bells replaced by rocket boosters and oxygen cylinders installed for a trip to the moon. Unsurprisingly a historic clock is unfit for purpose and disintegrates shortly after taking off, but patriotic Tory MP Mark Francois has volunteered for the mission, so it’s not all bad news.

10 Downing Street as an Airbnb

Ever fancied sitting in the ‘hot seat’ of political power? Now you can rent 10 Downing Street and pretend to be PM. (Actually a fair description of Johnson’s role now.) You and your mates could play at being the cabinet, ie. cook up some policies in return for Russian donations while having endless drinks parties. Johnson himself will govern from Chequers, which has more space and a choice of fridges to hide in.

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There was literally no way of telling Jimmy Savile wasn't completely normal. By Prince Charles

A NETFLIX documentary has exposed Jimmy Savile’s worryingly close relationship with the Royal Family. Here Prince Charles reveals he is still astonished at how events transpired.

I do not feel I was taken in by Jimmy Savile. There were simply no clues that this popular entertainer who loved nothing more than hugging a child for up to 25 minutes was anything other than a wonderful chap.

Yes, there were subtle hints. ‘Steer well clear, your highness, he’s a f**king nonce’, as one of my police bodyguards put it. But I assumed it was simply ‘tall poppy syndrome’, similar to the jealousy directed at me for my highly successful biscuit business.

Jimmy seemed so normal. He loved charity walks in the countryside, thoughtfully bringing his camper van to so his young fans could enjoy a glass of squash with all the curtains closed. A ride in his Rolls Royce was never too much trouble, unless you were an adult, at which point he became quite irritable. 

Moreover he had a wealth of knowledge my privileged upbringing denied me. He knew all about the new ‘popular music’, what time schools closed for the day, and where to buy French letters in seemingly any town in the UK!

Naturally I did not hesitate to ask his advice. When I was having marital problems with Diana, he astutely realised the age difference was an issue. Jimmy kindly offered to ‘sort me out’ with ‘some cracking birds off Top of the Pops‘, but I felt I should try to save my marriage and feigned interest in the wretched Duran Duran instead.

And of course there was his tireless work for hospitals. He was very spiritual, with a great respect for patients who sadly passed away. He couldn’t wait to get to the mortuary, ‘to pay my respects in Uncle Jimmy’s special way’, as he put it.

Now, older and wiser, I often ask myself: ‘Was Jimmy innocent all along?’ Was it just rumours spread by those envious of the success of Jim’ll Fix It and his friendship with Margaret Thatcher? I must do further research and, if necessary, clear the good name of Jimmy and have a statue of him erected in Trafalgar Square.