The wanker's guide to using French phrases in everyday speech

DO you want to experience the joie de vivre that comes with unnecessarily using French words in everyday conversation? Pretentious wanker Julian Cook shares his tips.

Read your audience 

You may think people willingly chatting to you is a good sign. Au contraire! To really be sure your twattishness is landing, look out for wincing, sniggering or retching. And if the person you’re talking to finds an excuse to leave the room, that’s fait accompli, mon ami!  

Do the accent  

Trying to sound French may feel like a faux pas but if you use your own accent, you risk people not realising quite how pretentious you’re being. To prove yourself a twat par excellence, if you’re having a tête-à-tête with someone, give yourself carte blanche to really go guttural. The more spit flies from your lips, the better you’re doing. 

Push it further 

Vis-à-vis frequency, you may think the odd French phrase here and there is enough, but if you want to prove you’re the crème de la crème of dickheads, you’ll need to use French all the time, from ordering your daily café au lait in Starbucks, right through to asking people if they voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? The answer will be ‘no’, by the way.

Look the part 

For that extra je ne sais quoi, consider how you dress as well as what you say. You could do the obvious and pop on a beret, but any item of clothing that highlights your status as a pretentious twat will do: par exemple, consciously mismatched socks or a weird 70s-style polo neck. Consider yourself an agent provocateur!

Get your priorities straight

People may not understand what you’re saying a lot of the time, but ç’est la vie! If you start peppering your sentences with French tout de suite you’ll be communicating something much bigger than language – you’ll be telling the world what a sphincter you are. That’s far more important, n’est-ce pas? Say au revoir to all your friends and bonjour to the new, quasi-French you. 

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The self-entitled twat's guide to flying off on holiday

DO you think it’s fine to be a dick so long as you get your precious week in Malaga? Here mum-of-two Donna Sheridan explains how to behave like a f**king animal at the airport and beyond.

Before setting off

If your kids aren’t on holiday yet, kick up a fuss about taking them out of school in term time, citing your ‘human rights’. You’ll quickly lose interest but it will cement your reputation as a pain-in-the-rectum parent who the teachers probably make voodoo dolls of. 

The airport 

Airports are full of bars, which means you have no option but to get positively fizzing with booze. If people who’ve been waiting for 10 hours won’t get into the party spirit, they’re just stuck-up shits, like every single teacher your son Jaydan has come into contact with.

The queue obviously does not apply to you

Airports are struggling to get enough staff. Don’t blame the economy, drag your brood to the front of the queue and rant at a lowly employee, achieving precisely nothing. As you trek back to your original place in the queue, act like it’s a major victory, eg. ‘Well that bloody told them!’ although it clearly didn’t.

Abandon items of luggage 

Rushing to finally catch your flight? If a bag is just full of cheap beachwear, sling it. The worst that can happen is you’ll have to buy some new t-shirts, and the subsequent bomb scare will only ruin other people’s holidays. Sod them. You had to get up at 5am.

Onboard the plane

A modern jet airliner is a veritable playground of drunken entertainment. Try one or all of these:

● Many airlines still require masks. Refuse to wear one, starting a blazing row and only backing down after causing a massive delay. As a moron and anti-masker you know it’s just snooty scientists making stuff up for government grants, or something.

● It’s practically mandatory to get into a fight at 35,000 feet these days. Whether male or female, get the fists flying for reasons you cannot remember.

● Try to open a door in flight. Later claim you were having a panic attack, when in reality you were blackout drunk from the bottle of vodka in your bag and just had no idea what you were doing. 

While on holiday

Stick to the beach and hotel bar. If Malaga isn’t exactly like Rotherham, it’s a f**king disgrace. Complain like a five-year-old that the Spanish omelette ‘LITERALLY made me want to PUKE’.

Returning home 

This is your last chance to be anti-social, so make it count. Get even more pissed than on the way out so the cabin crew have to restrain you. Your fellow passengers will be subjected to a tedious emergency detour to Orly Airport, and you’ll waste lots of taxpayers’ money as the British embassy tries to stop the French charging you with terrorism. If only you’d just played Candy Crush Soda Saga.