YES, I have made billions of pounds in profits. No, I cannot chuck a few quid towards your massive energy bill. Let me explain why.
I have energy bills to pay too
And have you seen how much they’ve gone up by? We could be paying upwards of £3K a year soon, which is f**king loads. Just because I own the energy companies doesn’t mean I get a staff discount, you know. Stop being so selfish for a second and spare a thought for how I’m going to heat my mansion.
It’s character building
Taking cold showers and shivering your way through the winter sounds like a pretty Dickensian way to live, but years from now you’ll look back and realise that hardship was actually character building. One day you’ll bump into me down the pub and thank me for toughening you up by putting you through this. You’re welcome.
I need to make difficult choices as well
Choosing between heating or eating is a tough call. I have to make difficult decisions too though. Should I splash out on another superyacht, or should I set my billion-pound windfall aside for my fifth private jet? If anything this is a harder dilemma than your trifling concerns because I’ve got used to this lifestyle. In fact you couldn’t lend me a tenner, could you?
Moving that amount of money around is difficult
Dishing out a few thousand pounds to everyone in the country is a lovely idea. And I could easily afford it too. But that would mean I’d have to pop down to the bank and answer a load of security questions which is a right faff. Plus it takes days for those sorts of whopping transactions to go through. Everything might’ve blown over by then.
I don’t care about you
The hard truth of the matter is that I don’t give a shit about you. You’re a stranger. Would you give someone you’ve never met a stack of cash out of the kindness of your heart? Didn’t think so. You’d only spend it on useless tat like Funko Pops or dental care anyway. My advice: deliver free papers in the evening to make a bit of extra cash.