'Why isn't there a White Friday?' asks gammon

A CONTRARIAN bigot is predictably asking why there is a Black Friday but no White Friday.

GB News viewer Wayne Hayes is outraged at the idea of Black Friday, not because it is a corporate money-making ploy, but because he thinks it is the latest progressive conspiracy out to get him.

He barked: “First Black Lives Matter and now this. Where does this woke, white-hating nonsense end?

“I can’t even suggest something as reasonable as White Friday without people looking at me funny and calling me an idiot. But what’s stupid about missing the point of a promotion and projecting my own agenda onto it?

“Although obviously I’m deliberately misunderstanding just to be a bigoted arse. I am, as they say, ‘just asking’.

“I’m not racist, in fact I’ve got lots of friends who celebrate Black Friday. But why do they have to shove it down our throats by sending me loads of emails about discounted laptops? Save it for Black History Month, which I’m also opposed to.

“I suppose it could be worse. At least it isn’t LGBTQIA+ Friday. If that ever becomes a thing, which I suspect it will, I’ll riot.”

Hayes’ liberal son Tom said: “I could tell dad Black Friday is all about bank accounts going into the black but he’ll only start kicking off about Muslims. I bet he’ll buy a new widescreen TV as well.”

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Fit celebrities whose political views you could probably overlook

MANY celebrities have tediously earnest political views that would be off-putting in someone less attractive. Here are some whose ramblings you could probably live with.

Melissa Barrera

Melissa was in Scream VI but won’t be in Scream 7 thanks to her latest Instagram post about Gaza in which she accused Israel of genocide. Oops. She is fit though, and at least you won’t have to go and see Scream 7 with her now, which is looking rather tired as a franchise. Every cloud has a silvery lining, although you probably shouldn’t say that to Melissa.

Harry Styles

Admittedly this is only a problem if you’re a diehard Brexiter, but Harry was pretty vocal about opposing Brexit back in 2017. So if you’re an obsessive Leave voter he’s incredibly attractive but also a disgusting traitor who should be shot, which is an awkward basis for a relationship. Of course, you could just shag Harry and act as if Brexit never existed and you didn’t vote for it, which Brexiters seem to be remarkably good at.

Jade out of Little Mix 

Jade Thirlwall was a big Corbyn supporter at the last election, with the ‘For the many, not the few’ sweatshirt and everything. It’s not clear how into democratic socialism she is, but that’s concerning in itself. Would she want to have long chats about entryism as a legitimate political strategy? Would she get you the biography of Rosa Luxemburg for Christmas instead of Modern Warfare 3? Would she potter around the bedroom humming ‘Oh, Jeremy Corbyn’? Still, it’d be infinitely preferable to shagging girl band Tory Geri Halliwell, who’s probably voting Reform these days.

Sean Penn

The young Sean Penn was a more edgy alternative to Hollywood heartthrobs of the time, but he’s got a bloody long list of right-on causes, from supporting Venezuela to humanitarian work in Haiti. You’d just have to put in some earbuds when he started droning on about his latest trip to Cuba. And not get into any arguments about the Falklands, which as every Brit knows are as English as Kent despite being 8,000 miles away.

Maxine Peake

Ms Peake is a committed Labour supporter, although she’s probably been purged now as a leftie and after making comments in an interview that were supposedly anti-semitic but more a weird muddle of conspiracy bollocks. Boring chats about National Executive Committee decisions you could live with, but if she thinks the moon is hollow and built by aliens you’d have to call it a day.


Stormzy may have lots of groupies but it’s not due to his political insights. In 2019 he said: ‘Man’s never voted, man’s always looked at politicians and thought, “I don’t trust you lot” [but] Jeremy Corbyn is a man of hope.’ So you initially didn’t trust politicians but then realised not voting gave you even less influence? What an original take on politics. You’d just have to keep saying to him: ‘That’s really interesting, Stormzy, dear. Do carry on. I am listening, I’m just resting my eyelids.’

Susan Sarandon 

Sarandon’s campaigning – everything from helping Third World farmers grow cows to opposing the death penalty – is dull but suggests a compassionate person. So her comment that US Jews are ‘getting a taste of what it feels like to be a Muslim’ is surprisingly vindictive, and does actually sound like she’s got it in for the Jews. It doesn’t augur well for your imaginary relationship with Thelma & Louise-era Susan. She’d probably punch you in the face for your sneaky habit of putting 22p in the Oxfam envelope in very small change to make it seem more.