Tories genuinely think you've been blown away

THE Conservative party actually believes that you are overwhelmed by their generosity in yesterday’s budget.

Downing Street is alive with ministers patting each other on the back, saying ‘Landslide, here we bloody come’ and asking if it is too early for champagne.

Deputy prime minister Oliver Dowden said: “You’ve got to hand it to Hunt. Best chancellor of the post-war era? He’s in with a shout.

“That National Insurance move? Genius. How can the electorate turn away when they’ve just had £300 tucked into their top pockets? They’re swaying like they’re snakes and he’s the charmer.”

Defence secretary Grant Shapps agreed: “That, and the promise of more to come? They’re celebrating out there in the Red Wall. They’re looking at Starmer like mum’s Prius-driving new boyfriend when Daddy just rolled back into town in an SUV.

“They’re like ‘Wait, are these the real Tories back on stage like a motherf**king Beatles reunion? And the cost of a ticket is one vote?’ Solid gold. Can’t wait to see the polls.”

Voter Lucy Parry said: “Yeah. Do you remember Liz Truss? We do.”

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Netflix to start playing next episode before one you're watching has finished

NETFLIX has announced plans to autoplay the next episode of every show before the current one has finished in a bid to keep viewers binge-watching.

The streaming giant has unveiled several new features which bring them closer to their goal of ensuring no human being ever gets up from their sofa again.

A Netflix executive said: “By eliminating the brief 3-5 second pause between one episode ending and the next beginning we can prevent intrusive thoughts like ‘Is there something better on Disney+?’ or ‘Should I go outside?’

“Now, with the help of AI or something, as you approach the end of an episode the screen will split and the next episode will automatically begin playing in one half of your screen.

“This way we can keep pumping subscribers full of our increasingly low-quality televisual slurry like the disgusting little foie gras geese they are. Did you see the last series of The Crown? No one’s watching that crap entirely of their own volition.

“As with all streaming services’ obsessive desire to make you watch the next thing, we’re sure subscribers like being reminded they are mindless content-consuming beasts we can extract cash from.” 

Netflix subscriber Charlotte Phelps said: “It’s unbelievable, it’s ruined every single cliffhanger I’ve seen recently. What next, will someone come round and kneecap me if I try to go for a piss?”