'We've tried that one' and other things your parents shouldn't say during TV sex scenes

YOU were enjoying a new TV drama with your mum and dad but suddenly it’s turned into hardcore porn. Here’s what you definitely don’t want to hear from their sofa. 

‘We’ve tried that one’

Elderly people experimenting with sex positions is the last thing you want to think about. And so soon after your mum’s hip replacement. Ew. If they must do it at their age, it should be missionary once a year with the lights out. In fact everyone over 55 should channel their sexual energies into obsessively walking the dog until he’s terrified of the word ‘walkies’. 

‘I’ve seen bigger’

The occasional penis will make it on-screen if you’re watching a more daring drama or, God forbid, Embarrassing Bodies. It’s cringeworthy enough imagining your dear old mum seeing any man’s penis, let alone one that puts the massive prosthetic donger Mark Wahlberg wore in Boogie Nights to shame. And how many has she seen, the slag?

‘Can we turn the volume up?’

Your parents’ hearing isn’t as good as it used to be, but your dad wanting to hear the grunts and groans more clearly is enough to put you off your shortbread. Particularly as the subtitles are already on, with the explanation that all the hard of hearing are missing out on is ‘passionate noises’.

‘Who’s that actress again?’

Your dad has trouble distinguishing his Florence Pughs from his Saoirse Ronans, but if he’s only remembered about asking the name of this particular star while she’s got her tits out, you just know what he’ll be Googling when he’s in bed later. And it won’t be her IMDb page. 

‘Reminds me of how you were conceived’

You’re mature enough to understand that you sitting here today is due to your parents having some kind of sexual contact with each other, but now you won’t be able to look yourself in the mirror knowing that whatever took place, it reminds your dad of the scene in Game of Thrones where Cersei has sex with her brother and then the brother pushes a child off a tower. 

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The swimming pool changing room, and other agonising places to bump into an acquaintance

MET someone you sort of know while wearing a scrap of wet lycra and nothing else? You’ll hate seeing them in these other places too.

Tesco queue

Seems innocuous, but getting stuck in a queue next to someone you barely know can be excruciating. After you’ve exhausted all chat about the one friend you have in common and the weather, you fall into an uneasy silence that becomes so awkward you’re tempted to drag the painfully slow till lady out of her seat and do the job yourself.

Swimming pool changing room

Navigating a swimming pool changing room when you’re wet, cold and wearing a minuscule amount of clothing is bad enough at the best of times. However, when you bump into the woman who works in the same building as you who you sometimes see in the lift, it’s even worse. Why did you choose to wear speedos today? Why?

Doctor’s surgery

Even if you’ve gone in for something that isn’t embarrassing, like antibiotics for a chest infection, it’s hard not to feel mortified when you see someone you vaguely know. Will Nikki from the school gates presume you’re in there for a fungal nail infection or an STI or some other gross thing instead? Yes, and she won’t be shy about speculating at pick-up time.

Condom aisle in Boots

You’re only in the condom aisle because the mouthwash happens to be up the other end, but you can guarantee you’ll be standing right next to the glow-in-the-dark Trojans when you cross paths with your mum’s friend Susan. You’ll blush so hard she’ll be highly suspicious, especially as you’re a married man, which in her eyes means you’ve no need for contraception. Don’t try to explain, you’ll only make things worse.

Sex shop

You’ve popped in for an old school porn magazine when you lock eyes with Weird Martin who lives a few doors down. You nod briefly, hoping against hope that he won’t mention it to anyone, or to you when you next see each other in the street. But there’s no need to worry, he’s ashamed of being a pathetic, grubby little masturbator too. You’ve formed a deep but not-very-joyous bond.