YOU were enjoying a new TV drama with your mum and dad but suddenly it’s turned into hardcore porn. Here’s what you definitely don’t want to hear from their sofa.
‘We’ve tried that one’
Elderly people experimenting with sex positions is the last thing you want to think about. And so soon after your mum’s hip replacement. Ew. If they must do it at their age, it should be missionary once a year with the lights out. In fact everyone over 55 should channel their sexual energies into obsessively walking the dog until he’s terrified of the word ‘walkies’.
‘I’ve seen bigger’
The occasional penis will make it on-screen if you’re watching a more daring drama or, God forbid, Embarrassing Bodies. It’s cringeworthy enough imagining your dear old mum seeing any man’s penis, let alone one that puts the massive prosthetic donger Mark Wahlberg wore in Boogie Nights to shame. And how many has she seen, the slag?
‘Can we turn the volume up?’
Your parents’ hearing isn’t as good as it used to be, but your dad wanting to hear the grunts and groans more clearly is enough to put you off your shortbread. Particularly as the subtitles are already on, with the explanation that all the hard of hearing are missing out on is ‘passionate noises’.
‘Who’s that actress again?’
Your dad has trouble distinguishing his Florence Pughs from his Saoirse Ronans, but if he’s only remembered about asking the name of this particular star while she’s got her tits out, you just know what he’ll be Googling when he’s in bed later. And it won’t be her IMDb page.
‘Reminds me of how you were conceived’
You’re mature enough to understand that you sitting here today is due to your parents having some kind of sexual contact with each other, but now you won’t be able to look yourself in the mirror knowing that whatever took place, it reminds your dad of the scene in Game of Thrones where Cersei has sex with her brother and then the brother pushes a child off a tower.