Covid inquiry to look into your lockdown wanking next

THE Covid inquiry will turn its attention to your self-love habit during lockdown next, it has announced.

Having already grilled Dominic Cummings, Patrick Vallance and Chris Whitty about the pandemic, the inquiry is set to examine every instance of masturbation you indulged in during lockdown.

Inquiry chair Baroness Hallett said: “We expect this investigation to roll on for months thanks to you, because there’s a lot of evidence to unpack. And I mean a lot.

“According to our findings you started off reasonably enough with a quick ten-minute visit to PornHub when the first lockdown was announced, but things only get more debauched from there.

“By April 2020 you were clearly cranking one out three times a day, and your internet search history became almost too sordid for words. I look forward to you explaining what exactly a ‘bukkake gangbang cumpilation’ video is in front of a room full of stern witnesses and TV cameras.

“There was a brief lull in May where you had clearly tugged yourself dry and satiated your perverted desires, but then you slipped back into your old habits when the second lockdown kicked in. 

“I note also that your Couch to 5K ambitions went completely unfulfilled.”

Tom Booker, who has already been investigated, said: “They couldn’t lay a finger on me because I made sure to wank while maintaining social distancing in beer gardens. Still, bit embarrassing to recount, and old habits die hard.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

What trite and obvious political point is your Banksy print making?

AN unearthed interview seems to confirm that Banksy is Bristol-based artist Robin Gunningham. But if you’re got one of his undemanding artworks on your wall, what does it mean?

Sweep It Under the Carpet

A maid hides dirt by lifting up the whitewash on a brick wall. It’s thought to be about the West refusing to confront global poverty. You like this because it shows you care without actually having to argue for something tangible like increasing foreign aid or reining in capitalism. You don’t want a tense atmosphere at your dinner party.

Love is in the Air

A rioter throwing a bunch of flowers instead of a petrol bomb. It was originally stencilled on the hated West Bank Wall and you liked the bland ‘peace is good’ message, but now you’re a bit worried about it due to Hamas’ sickening rampage. Maybe you’ll swap it out for Dance by Henri Matisse. That’s an original interior design choice.

Girl with Balloon

The incredibly famous one depicting a little girl’s heart-shaped balloon floating away. Clearly it’s about the loss of childhood innocence. Not political, but it’s impressively obvious and sends out the message: ‘I am a Guardian reader who likes slightly trendy art, not the confusing stuff like Picasso.’

Well Hung Lover

A naked man dangles beneath his female lover’s bedroom window as her irate husband peers out looking for him. It’s been interpreted as a protest against Bristol council’s clampdown on graffiti at the time, so Banksy is really speaking truth to power with this one. Or maybe he’s just a big fan of Confessions of a Window Cleaner

Child doing judo throw on man

A small child hurls his opponent, a large adult man, to the ground in one of several murals painted by Banksy in Ukraine. It’s a bit obvious even for him, but at £12.50 from Etsy for you it was much cheaper and less morally troubling than donating £250 to Ukraine to buy weapons to kill Russians, which is the help they want. 

Luxury Rentals Only 

Hermit crabs with big shells on their backs ward off other shell-less crabs by holding up a ‘Luxury rentals only’ sign. Originally painted on a sea wall in Cromer in Norfolk as part of a series highlighting the plight of the homeless, a situation made worse by the cutthroat rental market and seaside holiday homes. The message – people with big houses don’t want the homeless living nearby – requires an almost total lack of thought. Wonderful.

Boy Playing With Jet Fighter Kite

A child plays with an F-15 Eagle attached to a string like a kite. This one is in Tel Aviv, so the messages have got to be ‘Teaching children to hate is bad’ and ‘Bombing Palestinian civilians is bad’. These are very profound insights, and it’s quite edgy so it makes your spare room look really cool.

Paparazzi Rat

In one of many murals featuring rats, a rat with a long-lens camera is clearly a paparazzo. It might be a nod toward Banksy’s aversion to fame, or it may be saying the paparazzi are rats in the ‘amoral disgusting scum’ sense. You can’t argue with that. Of course you daren’t admit you just like the rats because they’re cute – which is fine – and instead blather on about him ‘challenging our preconceptions of what constitutes art’ and similar hackneyed bollocks.