Why we're so much better off without a judicial system, by Dominic Raab

AS justice secretary, it’s my role to protect valued members of society and their second homes. This can only be achieved by scrapping justice entirely. Here’s why: 

It’ll save taxpayers’ money

The moral integrity of our great nation was founded on the ducking stool, mob rule and the gallows, not illegible documents signed in a field granting every warty wench the same rights as me. Justice is a liberal illusion: we all know who’s guilty, whether they did it or not, and should embrace community lynchings.

They wear silly costumes

How can we respect legal representatives when they wear such ridiculous outfits? No barristers’ strike can be taken seriously when they wear idiot wigs and hideous capes, and judges wearing Brian May hairpieces banging tiny toffee hammers are risible. People commit crimes just for a ticket to this circus.

It squanders resources

Pursuing and prosecuting criminals takes valuable funding away from border enforcement. Without interference from the police and judiciary criminals would govern themselves with the strict code of honour seen in Peaky Blinders and The Sopranos.

Scrutiny is unacceptable

The justice system is in deep trouble not from years of underfunding, but from fossilised institutions drawing their power from ancient scrolls abusing it to nit-pick vital ministerial activity such as Article 50 and whether Boris Johnson lied to the public, Parliament and the Queen. We should all grow a pair of unregulated scales of justice, I know I have.

Justice is a loony left delusion

What a ghastly socialist nightmare justice for all is, if you think about it. Street rogues repeatedly offend after being specifically told not to, irrespective of their impending starvation. it’s state-sponsored mollycoddling to put them in prisons with a 99.5 per cent survival rate. What’s wrong with the open sea?

The country will self-regulate

Honest citizens instinctively know how to be an economic assets. They thirst for mob justice. It’s every Brit’s birthright to settle a parking dispute at swordpoint. Vigilantes like the Batman will get tax breaks to fund vital equipment. And our law courts can finally meet their destiny of becoming Wetherspoons.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Grandparents blaming their grandchildren on their children

GRANDPARENTS looking after their grandchildren are blaming their f**king awful behaviour on their parents, their own children.

Retirees stuck doing the childcare during the holidays are placing all responsibility for their charges’ rudeness, constant demands and vile personalities on being badly raised by the people they raised.

Susan Traherne, aged 68, said: “Spoiling starts at home. Kids like rules. I never held back and mine turned out alright, apart from as parents obviously.

“It’s amazing that with such a clear example to follow they managed to bugger it up. All she had to do was reproduce every aspect of their childhoods exactly, but the smart-arsed bitch thought she knew better. She was the same as a kid.

“And now I’m stuck looking after these little brats when it’s too late to give them the discipline they need so I have to buy them sugary treats instead.

“Amazing it went from me doing a perfect job to my daughter doing it so wrong in just one generation. I knew she wasn’t listening when she was six.”

Daughter Louise Traherne said: “As far as I’m concerned the old bastards and the little bastards fully deserve each other.”