AS justice secretary, it’s my role to protect valued members of society and their second homes. This can only be achieved by scrapping justice entirely. Here’s why:
It’ll save taxpayers’ money
The moral integrity of our great nation was founded on the ducking stool, mob rule and the gallows, not illegible documents signed in a field granting every warty wench the same rights as me. Justice is a liberal illusion: we all know who’s guilty, whether they did it or not, and should embrace community lynchings.
They wear silly costumes
How can we respect legal representatives when they wear such ridiculous outfits? No barristers’ strike can be taken seriously when they wear idiot wigs and hideous capes, and judges wearing Brian May hairpieces banging tiny toffee hammers are risible. People commit crimes just for a ticket to this circus.
It squanders resources
Pursuing and prosecuting criminals takes valuable funding away from border enforcement. Without interference from the police and judiciary criminals would govern themselves with the strict code of honour seen in Peaky Blinders and The Sopranos.
Scrutiny is unacceptable
The justice system is in deep trouble not from years of underfunding, but from fossilised institutions drawing their power from ancient scrolls abusing it to nit-pick vital ministerial activity such as Article 50 and whether Boris Johnson lied to the public, Parliament and the Queen. We should all grow a pair of unregulated scales of justice, I know I have.
Justice is a loony left delusion
What a ghastly socialist nightmare justice for all is, if you think about it. Street rogues repeatedly offend after being specifically told not to, irrespective of their impending starvation. it’s state-sponsored mollycoddling to put them in prisons with a 99.5 per cent survival rate. What’s wrong with the open sea?
The country will self-regulate
Honest citizens instinctively know how to be an economic assets. They thirst for mob justice. It’s every Brit’s birthright to settle a parking dispute at swordpoint. Vigilantes like the Batman will get tax breaks to fund vital equipment. And our law courts can finally meet their destiny of becoming Wetherspoons.