Winter fuel cash for expats to be stopped because it's idiotic

RETIRED British expats in Southern Europe will no longer get winter fuel payments because it is an incredibly stupid thing that should never have happened, it has emerged.

For years the expats have received the same allowance as UK-based pensioners and then spent it on sun glasses and mosquito repellent.

Now the government is set to cancel the payments after realising that it was the sort of thing a five year-old would look at and think ‘what arsehole came up with this fucking nonsense?’.

A spokesman for the Department for Work and Pensions said: “In general, benefits for wealthy pensioners are utterly dense.

“But if you tell a rich 65 year-old that he can have a free buss pass, then he will actually use it. To go for lunch somewhere really nice with his rich retired friends.

“Anyway, eventually we looked up one of these weather websites that has average temperatures for various places and we realised that southern Spain doesn’t really get that cold.

“Thank goodness we checked otherwise we would never have realised how completely moronic we were being.”

Bill McKay, a retired engineer who lives on a gated estate near Marbella, said: “I usually spend it on mangoes which I have for breakfast on the terrace in the middle of February.

“What if we called it it a mango allowance? Would that make it seem less stupid?”

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BBC to schedule Newcastle United as light entertainment

THE BBC’s coverage of Newcastle United’s 2013-14 season has been transferred to the department running variety shows and situation comedy.

Following Joe Kinnear’s appointment as ‘director of football’ the corporation decided that for Newcastle to appear on Match of the Day alongside serious teams, wold be ‘incongruous’.

Instead the club’s farcical adventures will will go out 8.30 on Wednesday nights as ‘Kinnear a Minute’ with a laugh track and Ronnie Hazlehurst-style theme tune.

A Geordie will provide a voiceover as we follow Kinnear’s bumbling antics.

Other characters will include Alan Pardew, who will act as dreary, grey sidekick to Kinnear and Mike Ashley, the club owner, who according to a BBC source would be like ‘Captain Mainwaring, or some other fat oaf with appalling judgement’.

Storylines include Kinnear accidentally turning up on his first day at Nottingham Forest’s ground after forgetting he was sacked by them in 2004, as well as repeated attempts to sign Kevin Keegan as a striker.

Kinnear will also insist that winger Jonas Gutierrez is former Argentine dictator General Galtieri, before dragging him to the Hague and demanding they prosecute him for war crimes.

In one episode he will mistake himself for the late actor, Roy Kinnear.

Meanwhile, Mark Lawrenson will make a guest appearance as The Man Who Says ‘Not’.