Woman admits she's not on a voyage of personal discovery

A 33 YEAR-OLD woman has admitted she has not discovered anything about herself for at least seven years.

Jane Stevens, from Hatfield, revealed she has had different jobs and relationships and has travelled to exotic destinations without any of it being remotely significant.

Stevens said: “I could say that each of these experiences has revealed a new facet to my extraordinary character but that would be a massive, self-indulgent lie.

“I pretty much figured myself out at around 15.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, added: “Jane is in the 0.01 percent of people who are honest about this. Most people will say things like they have ‘learned to listen’ or they’re ‘more open to new experiences’, but it’s all complete bullshit.”

Stevens added: “I suppose I quite like spicy food now. I am just so endlessly fascinating.”

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Britain rallying round buy-to-let landlords

BRITAIN has pledged to do all it can to help the country’s hard hit buy-to-let landlords.

New taxes and regulations imposed on people buying a home that is not their main residence have prompted calls for support networks and public subsidy.

Landlord Martin Bishop said: “I bought this house specifically to rip off students. Now I’m going to have to pay a little bit more than I previously would have paid.

“If I wasn’t going to pass that cost on to my tenants, plus a little bit more, I would be extremely anxious.”

Student, Eleanor Shaw, said: “Is there anything I can do? If you just want to talk, I’m here, okay?”

She added: “It breaks my heart to think of this poor man having to charge all this money. Meanwhile, I’m having the time of my life sharing a flat with eight other people in a part of Nottingham that’s usually on fire.”

Bishop added: “Well, if it’s on fire then that will be another fifty quid a month.”