Woman in leopard print top absolutely going to end up more pissed than her friends

A WOMAN wearing a leopard print top on a night out is guaranteed to get more drunk than any of her friends, it has been confirmed.

Carolyn Ryan consumes alcohol at a normal pace when wearing regular clothes, but when she slips on her leopard print top she transforms into an insatiable drinker nobody can keep up with.

Friend Lucy Parry said: “Me and the girls were planning to have a quiet one tonight, cost of living and all that. Then we saw Carolyn rock up in that leopard print top and knew she was going to get shitfaced.

“Within 20 minutes she’d overtaken everyone else, tipped her G&T over the waiter she was flirting with and broken a heel while dancing on the table, which apparently isn’t allowed in Bella Italia. When she wears that top we’re merely her handlers.

“It’s not her fault really. The leopard print pattern exerts a strange, mystical hold over women. It’s like the One Ring of clothing. Once you pop it on it slowly corrupts you and drives you mad. Or in Carolyn’s case, blind drunk.”

Ryan said: “This animal pattern has imbued me with superhuman drinking powers. I hope I don’t lose it when I inevitably get my stomach pumped.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

'You're great company' and other phrases that mean you're not getting a second date

WONDERING if you repulsed your date with your face and personality? If you hear any of these phrases, the answer is ‘yes’.

‘You’re great company’

Ouch. Don’t delete the dating apps anytime soon. This is a polite person’s way of saying ‘You’re not a bad person but I would rather die alone than shack up with you’. If they really liked you then they would have snogged you or invited you up for coffee at midnight. Better luck with the next person who accidentally swipes right on you.

‘Get home safely’

If you pay close attention you’ll notice there’s nothing in this farewell about meeting up again. No hint of where or when to meet, a complete absence of flirtation, and even their wishes of safety are probably half-hearted. This is an instruction to leave their presence immediately, which is odd because you’ve only been on the date for ten minutes.

‘I’ll call you’

You’ve hugged them, chickened out of giving them a kiss on the cheek, and then they say this. Score, right? You can strut home like the lothario you are. Wrong. Once home you’ll realise you didn’t exchange numbers, then notice their profile has mysteriously vanished from the dating app. Maybe they dropped their phone down the toilet. That must be it.

‘It was nice meeting you’

On the surface this sounds promising, except they’ve dropped an n-bomb. ‘Nice’ is the death knell for any potential romantic interest. It’s your date’s way of signalling that you’re inoffensive but boring, kind of like you’re the human equivalent of a Cool Original Dorito. Good enough if there’s nothing else, but everyone would prefer Tangy Cheese.

‘This was fun, we should do it again!’

This old line. Usually said by spineless dates as they scurry off home or slam their front door. Why can’t they say they had a miserable time in your tedious company to your face? You’re better off without these two-faced cowards. Delete any follow-up messages they may send about meeting up for a second date. It’s all lies.