'Based on a true story': Incredibly stupid horror film lines they won't stop using

HORROR films are designed to scare, but nothing is more terrifying than these dumb, clichéd lines they insist on using.

‘Based on a true story’

A meaningless term slapped on crap films to give them a sense of dramatic weight. Test audiences should be filled with fact-checkers to nip this shit in the bud and spare everyone else the tedium. Everyone knows ghosts and demons don’t really exist, but if the script is good nobody cares.

‘If ye go there, ye shall never return’

The cryptic old man on the roadside who delivers this warning to the protagonists usually has a point. But no one ever listens to him because otherwise the plot wouldn’t go anywhere. Although if he got some smarter clothes and had a shave then maybe he’d have a better hit rate.

‘This better not be one of your pranks’

Characters love to shout this clunky line for no other reason than to reveal their exact location to the villain. If they insist on being friends with someone who repeatedly lures them into elaborate pranks though then maybe they deserve to be mauled by a werewolf.

‘See, nothing to worry about!’

Nothing signals that a character is about to get impaled quite like this line. It doesn’t matter if they’ve checked the perimeter for signs of spike-wielding zombies, if they say this then expect them to die in a matter of milliseconds. At least it gives audiences a decent warning before the jump scare.

‘There’s no signal’

It’s 2022, even cabins in remote woods and abandoned asylums get signal. On the off-chance that every character’s phone, laptop and smartwatch has run out of battery, they could still probably video call the emergency services via a toaster connected to the cloud. Do better, hack writers.

‘Why are you doing this?’

Expositionary dialogue of the lowest order. If the villain has axe-murdered his way through a Victorian hospital then he’s past the point of sitting down for a constructive discussion of his grievances. In fact it’s lines like this which probably pushed him over the edge.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The pathetic beta man's guide to pretending you understand the Premier League

NEED to learn about the Premier League so you can fit in with the real men? Fake your knowledge ahead of the new season with this guide.

Which is the best team in the Premier League?

Liverpool or Manchester City. Nobody can confidently say who is better, so just randomly declare one to be superior and wave away any suggestions that you’re talking shit. Believe it or not this will win you bonus points from lads who have been properly following the Premier League for decades.

Isn’t Manchester United everyone’s favourite?

No. They have gone from being unbeatable to awful despite spending hundreds of millions of pounds trying to fix the issue. This defies logic, but you can explain it away simply by saying, ‘United’s trouble is a toxic culture from top to bottom.’ This defies logic, but it’s vague enough that people will sagely nod in agreement.

Who are Nunez and Haaland?

Liverpool have signed a new man to score all the goals called Darwin Nunez. Manchester City have signed a new man to score all the goals called Erling Haaland. It’s impossible to say which one will score more goals, so flip a coin to pick a favourite then furiously invite anyone who disagrees to step outside. 

Who will be relegated from the Premier League this season?

It would make sense to say the three teams promoted up to the Premier League at the end of last season. Proper fans will see through this though, so suggest that Fulham have ‘done some business’ and only need to ‘do a Brentford or even a Brighton’. It doesn’t matter if you have no idea what you’re saying, it sounds like it means something and in pub football chat terms that’s a bullet-proof argument.

Isn’t the World Cup happening during it?

Yes, and it’s absolute, total bullshit. Footie boss Sepp Blatter trousered millions by awarding the World Cup to a country where balls melt on contact with the ground, meaning the Premier League will be suspended for a few weeks after Christmas. Earn respect from your more masculine peers by saying this effectively renders the season null and void.

Aren’t women more exciting to watch now?

Seems like it. The girls play in the Women’s Super League which starts next month. The best two teams are Chelsea and Arsenal. There’s no World Cup in the middle of the WSL fixtures either. Not that you need to know any of this, you can get away with making a misogynistic comment or grunting with sexual frustration when they run on screen.

Who is the best Premier League player?

Go rogue. Everyone will say either Mo Salah, Kevin De Bruyne or Ronaldo, but these are the basic bitch choices. Put your mates in their place by saying you like the look of Orel Mangala at Forest. When they look at you with a puzzled expression, smugly tell them to do their f**king homework and pray they don’t ask any follow-up questions.