Six great summer drinks you'll suddenly get horribly shitfaced on

A GOOD few spritzers at a garden party are harmless, right? You may revise that opinion after having a violent drunken row or blacking out and pissing your shorts. Here are some summer drinks to be wary of.

Pimm’s

Doesn’t even taste alcoholic, but it’s 25% by volume. With cucumber and mint it’s basically a salad, but vegetarians don’t have a meal then slur their words and become horribly argumentative – and they have reason to be angry, eating crap like broccoli linguine instead of proper pasta containing a Peppa Pig’s worth of bacon.

Lambrini 

At a mere 6% ABV this is a fun, not-too-strong drink for lovely young women to get tipsy on. However, criminologists have found it’s responsible for more vicious violence than any male pub brawl, such as sticking a stiletto heel in someone’s face.

Blue Hawaii, and any ‘fun’ cocktail

You would never normally make yourself a drink of rum, vodka and curacao. In large, garden party servings, these unfamiliar drinks will become an accident waiting to happen – either a metaphorical one, such as coming on to your host’s 17-year-old daughter, or a literal one as you suddenly keel over with all protective instincts disabled and knock your front teeth out.

Cider

Beer drinkers imagine this to be a lighter, fruity summer drink. But with wildly varying alcohol levels between brands, it’s easy to end up blackout pissed in true West Country fashion. You’ll regret that one-night stand you remember nothing about when the GP diagnoses you with sheep tics.

Fruit punch

Making punch is always left to someone with little experience of alcohol, eg. the host’s devout Christian friend from uni. Confused by amounts and flavours they’ll end up making something that would instantly deck Peter O’Toole. In an injustice typical of life, they will then drink lemonade all evening while you utterly humiliate yourself, talking utter shite and finally stumbling off for a lie-down, during which you piss in a cupboard – or worse.

G&T

A genteel drink you can imagine Keira Knightley sipping in a period drama, so it’s easy to forget it’s a strong spirit you can easily down loads of before it suddenly hits your system in one go and removes all rationality. We never see Keira giving Mr Darcy a blowjob in front of other guests or squatting in the corner of a drawing room having a piss. You’re not telling us it didn’t happen, though.

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Your boring friend's guide to why monogamy is great

IS your dull mate settled down with the first woman who’ll shag him regularly – and claims it’s fantastic and won’t shut up about it? Here’s Tom Logan’s tedious guide to having found ‘the one’.

I don’t have to play the dating game

What even is Tinder anyway? Do you swipe left or right? I simply DO NOT KNOW. I’m just glad I settled with Emma before dating apps took off. We met more organically. Was I a bit tipsy? Yes. Was I really trying to pull her friend Karen, who’s much nicer? Yes. Will Emma do? A resounding ‘yes’! 

I don’t regret not being on the dating scene. I’ve sowed my wild oats. Before I met Emma I went for a coffee with a colleague called Liz, and that might have led to something. 

I’m more financially secure

Me and Emma have a settled life of mortgage payments, house insurance, leasing a car, saving for the future and looking into funerals. All these financial commitments are really quite romantic in their own way! That makes no sense at all, but it’s the sort of bullshit I come out with all the time these days. 

Emma is my best mate

That’s what I said, without actually thinking about it, in my wedding speech. Of course Steve is actually my best mate, but that’s not very romantic. Plus people will talk. 

It’s great having someone around 24/7 to talk to. Or not talk to and simply stare at my phone while they stare at theirs. Or just look at while they’re breathing through their nose and making that squeaking sound. Christ that winds me up and I want to stuff a wine stopper up her f**king hooter. By which I mean it’s cute. Aw.

I have sex on tap

As long as we plan it three months in advance. And there isn’t one of about 300 distractions such as tummy ache, being too tired, checking the front door is locked, an Amazon delivery or getting really into the episode of QI they’re repeating on Dave. Plus I mostly just don’t bother because it’s incredibly boring having sex with the same person all the time. That’s why I’ve decided sex is overrated.

We get to share each other’s interests

Before getting together, we individually got to do whatever we wanted. But now as a loving, monogamous couple, we can try things the other person likes. Yes, I love watching repeats of Doc Martin, visiting craft shops full of tat and discussing at great length the simpletons on Love Island. I feel really sorry for my single friends. I just hope one day they’ll be as blissfully happy as me.