THE economy is once again hurtling towards recession, so how will having f**k all cash impact on your spending habits? Find out with our guide.
You won’t be able to do things
Doing things costs money, so forget about activities like going to the cinema or a treating yourself to a luxurious bus ride to the Job Centre until about 2026. You can of course do free things like go for a walk or watch the sun set, but these get old really fast and they’ll probably get put behind a paywall anyway.
Your home will get decluttered – free!
Forget buying a tedious Marie Kondo book, the recession will turbocharge your decluttering as you sell off all your worldly goods for scraps of meat. Once you’ve shifted all your books and gadgets, move onto white goods and clothes. After they’re gone, you’ll be free to downsize to a tent under a bridge. It’ll be cold in winter but very Zen.
You’ll learn to love your shit job
Jobs will become scarce so you’ll have to hold off from calling your boss a tiresome wanksock and handing in your notice. This still doesn’t mean you’ll have any money though because you’re paid next to nothing. At least your company’s executives will get a whopping bonus again. And ruthless cost-cutting will be good for shareholders. It’s nice to give something back.
You can’t buy a sense of perspective
For too long you’ve been swanning about getting bi-annual haircuts and living like a king with your hot food and Netflix account. A healthy dose of financial hardship will help you to appreciate the simple things in life, like staring at a wall because it’s free.
You’ll lose weight without an expensive gym membership
You don’t have to agonise over renewing your stupidly pricey gym membership now. The inability to afford food will make the weight just fall off. Just ask anyone who been in a POW camp. There’ll be the unfortunate side effects of loud stomach rumbles and constant exhaustion, but a lean physique comes at a price. Not a monetary price, obviously. Which is just as well because you can’t afford it.
