Batgirl, and other signs Hollywood might need to think of a new idea

WITH Warner Bros canning its upcoming Batgirl film amid rumours that it’s incredibly bad, perhaps it’s time Hollywood stopped shitting out the same old franchises? Just a thought.

Obi-Wan Kenobi

Soon, probably by about 2025, every single character who has featured in a Star Wars film for even a single second is going to have their own spin-off. Remember Elan Sleazebaggano in Attack of the Clones? No? We thought not, and yes, that is the character’s name. He’s the guy selling ‘death sticks’ in a club. He could have his own series. A whole series of him selling fags.

Ghostbusters: Afterlife

Considering how hated the dogshit remake in 2016 was, it takes a stunning lack of creativity to go back to the same idea. So that’s what Hollywood did. And we got the less bad Ghostbusters: Afterlife, but it’s still pathetic. This franchise is like the prick at a bar who just won’t take a hint to piss off. And that prick is Dan Ackroyd telling you about his brand of vodka. 

Spider-Man

A franchise so continually rebooted that future generations will identify themselves based on who played Spider-Man when they were growing up. Were you a Tobey Maguire type, or a Tom Holland guy? Or an Andrew Garfield fan, or a Nicholas Hammond purist who only watches the 1977 TV series? The actual story is now so convoluted the only person who will understand it will be one solitary uber-geek who is Professor of Spideyology at MIT.

Planet of the Apes

Integral to the appeal of the original movie was the shock reveal that the film was taking place on Earth. Without that, the new slew of films have basically turned into a nightmarish David Attenborough documentary, with monkeys and humans ferociously trying to kick seven shades of shite out of one another.

Wonka 

The original Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory was a surreal fever dream, loved and feared by millions. Tim Burton’s remake, starring cocaine enthusiast Johnny Depp, belongs in a bin. Now there’s going to be a musical origin story starring Timothee Chalamet. What audience was clamouring to find out about the troubled childhood of a mentally ill, slave-owning chocolatier? 

Godzilla

Like a sort of shit Halley’s Comet, one of these seems to come around every 20 years. Sadly, instead of knocking it on the head after 68 years, Hollywood thinks the latest effects will overcome the minimal story. Development meetings must entirely consist of: ‘Let’s see how much more realistically we can now depict a big prick of a lizard kicking over some office blocks. Again.’

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Is it your fault the shopping bill costs twice as much? Take our quiz

THE cost of living has skyrocketed, and many people need urgent government help. But is there any chance that your own shopping costing double is down to… you?

Do you normally do the household shopping?

A) Yes. I try and price-match items to see which supermarket gives the best value.

B) No. My partner does it. She says I can’t be trusted to stick to the list. What list? It takes the creativity out of shopping if you don’t come back with a £35 lobster that stays in the freezer for years then gets binned because I’ve realised it’s a faff to cook.  

Do you fill a large trolley when a basket would do?

A) No. I estimate how many items I’ll be buying and use an appropriately sized carrier.

B) Always. You can’t ride on a basket. Although there need to be a lot of items in the trolley or it tips up.

Do you really need to only buy brands you’ve seen on TV?

A) No. I buy cheaper brands I don’t recognise if the product is similar.

B) Definitely. You don’t know what shit you’re buying if it hasn’t been tested by a reputable celebrity like Kerry Katona. Also my family might not love me if I don’t shop at a supermarket with adverts where everyone’s ecstatically happy about a pallid, flavourless, £2 chicken. Not that advertising affects me. I’m too clever for it to work.

Is it good economics to buy 24 discount yoghurts knowing they’ll be out of date tomorrow ?

A) No. it’s a waste of money. Just buy one.

B) Yes. It’s basic maths – the more you buy, the more you save. Tonight’s dinner will be an economical meal of five yoghurts and a bag of slimy salad. Anyway I got a brilliant deal on a impulse-buy bottle of cognac. That was only £40 because it was 50p off.

When are you going to use a long-handled hedge trimmer?

A) Never. That’s why I didn’t buy one.

B) As soon as I get a place with tall hedges. Or a garden. It was a bargain.

Mostly As: You’re acting responsibly and making the most of your money in these trying times. Good luck to you.

Mostly Bs: You are oblivious to the cost of living crisis. You spend in a reckless manner and will soon be deep in debt. Despite having shit for brains when it comes to money, you’d make an acceptable chancellor.