Woman using star sign as excuse for being total nightmare

A WOMAN is attempting to get away with being a bellend by claiming it’s because she is a Gemini, it has emerged.

Joanna Kramer responded to accusations that she is acting like a dick by blaming the date and time of her birth.

She said: “I know people think I’m a nasty piece of work who regularly backstabs friends and relatives but it’s not my fault, according to an article I read in Glamour magazine eight years ago.

“I’m a Gemini, so I’m naturally two-faced. Although I could also be an Aries, who are selfish bastards or a Sagittarius, who are immature attention seekers.

“Either way I am a knob due to the way the planets, Jupiter or whatever, were aligned when I was born.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Most people would act like arseholes all the time if they could, but are held back by the societal expectation of at least pretending to be pleasant.

“Astrology somehow circumvents this expectation, probably because it is made up nonsense and therefore impossible to make a rational argument against.”

He added: “I’m a Virgo, by the way.”

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Living Wage renamed Still Properly Skint Wage

THE Living Wage is to be renamed to reflect a world where fags are a tenner.

Following an increase to £8.75 per hour, the so-called Living Wage will henceforth be called the Still Properly Skint Wage to reflect recipients’ threadbare lives.

Still Properly Skint Wage earner Roy Hobbs said: “Can’t grumble with a pay increase although how do you define living? Do you mean having the heating on for a bit?

“The CEO of my company, who makes 300 times what I earn, can afford to go on holiday to spa hotels where they rub you down with essences of rare flowers on a balcony overlooking the ocean.

“I would say that man is living, whereas I’m sort of existing with a bit of help from the discount aisle in Tesco where they put the dented yoghurts.”

Hobbs added: “At least I’m not on the minimum wage, which should be called, ‘the smallest amount of money those unscrupulous tight fuckers can get away with wage’.”