Dogs now acting like fireworks not a big deal

DOGS are now acting as if fireworks are nothing to worry about.

After absolutely bricking it on Sunday night, and having to be shut in the kitchen on Monday because they were going mental, dogs are now claiming that explosions in the sky do not especially bother them.

Medium-sized dog Stephen Malley said: “Fireworks, car exhausts backfiring, other larger dogs…these are just a few things I’m not scared of in the slightest.

“Fireworks are just a harmless form of colourful annual entertainment and not angry demon-gods tearing the sky apart. Any idiot knows that.

“You could let a firework off right now and I wouldn’t even care. Because that’s how cool I am with fireworks.”

He added: “Although if you did I would probably get under a table, just because I like being under tables.”

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Ordinary man strangely not allowed to stop paying tax

A MAN has received absolutely no help from the government with his plan to stop paying tax.

Office worker Wayne Hayes said: “Paying tax is clearly optional, so it’s daft to keep doing it when I can barely afford my rent. I’ve always paid it in the past but now I need to grow up and sort out my finances.

“However when I phoned HMRC and asked if they could recommend a good tax avoidance scheme they didn’t even have a leaflet to send.

“The woman on the phone even said I could go to prison for not paying tax. I’m confused now because the Queen’s not a criminal, unless she’s a lot more dodgy than she looks.

“Undeterred, I phoned a bank in the Cayman Islands. They were quite helpful until I said I’d only got £39.20 in my savings account. Seems there’s one rule for us and another for Bono.”

Hayes searched the Inland Revenue website but was unable to find any tips on putting his wealth into a Bermuda-based trust.

He added: “The government should do some ‘how-to’ videos on YouTube, perhaps with an animated character called ‘Charlie the Tax Avoidance Cat’. He’d be like Top Cat except instead of stealing fish he’s setting up shell companies with deliberately bland names like ‘Feline Holdings Ltd’.”