Women under increasing pressure to have dragons

WOMEN are facing pressure to have at least one baby dragon coiled on their bare shoulders, it has been claimed.

Research by the Institute for Studies found that 79 per cent of men saw dragon ownership as a requirement for any potential female partner.

Susan Traherne of Richmond said: “Dragon eggs cost a fortune. Even if you’re lucky enough to find one for free in a distant mystical land, a hatchling dragon needs minimum two live goats a day.

“If you do get one there’s no guarantee it will obey you. My friend Susan had a smallish grey dragon and it bit her head off then burned down her garage.

“They’re like those pigs that are cute for a bit but then get massive and difficult.”

She added: “Most of my friends bring dragons to work but the nearest I could manage was a chameleon. Everyone laughed and was like ‘what the fuck’s that?’.

“I don’t even have an army of eunuch soldiers.”

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Man attempting to get massive bike on train

A MAN is attempting to get a large, high-tech bicycle on a small, crowded train.

Graphic designer Martin Bishop regularly takes his monstrous bike on cramped regional rail services, despite it being designed for riding through mountains and forests.

Bishop said: “Normally there’s plenty of room for my bike, by which I mean I can bump into people with it and block the doors. But today it’s really packed. I managed to briefly force the front wheel inside a carriage but I had to give up because people complained the handlebars were crushing their abdomens.

“The guard told me to wait on the platform while he checked if there was any free space, but I think that might be a ruse so the train can sneak off without me.”

Bishop said his £1,500 ‘Zircon Ruggedeer’ bike had a near-indestructible alloy frame and 96 gears for getting up mountains, although he mostly used it for going to work.

He added: “I suppose I could ride home, but it’s almost five miles. I’ll just have to ram the bike in backwards between those two blokes. Sorry guys.”

Commuter Donna Sheridan said: “Everyone knows that if you want to take a bike on a train it has to be one of those fold-up ones designed to take away your last shred of dignity.”