A guide to pointless regional prejudice

BRITONS believe Londoners are ‘arrogant’ and ‘insular’, according to a recent survey. So if you’re into idiotic regional prejudice, who else can you hate? Here are some suggestions.

Anyone from Leominster

The people of Leominster are incredibly vain and have personal hygiene problems. There is no evidence for this, but that is due to no one going there because they don’t want to catch nits.

The entire county of Wiltshire

The people of Wiltshire have a dangerous obsession with the occult, as is obvious from their druidic monument Stonehenge. There is no police force in Wiltshire because they keep getting put in wicker men.

The pretentious bastards of Stoke-on-Trent

If you’re at a dinner party and some la-di-da ponce starts criticising the wine and boasting about his priceless collection of Klimt originals, you know they’re from Stoke-on-Trent.

Everyone in Stoke is rich from Royal Doulton figures. If they suggest ‘going down the pub’ expect to spend at least £1,500 as they will insist on taking their private jet from Stoke International Airport to a VIP beach bar in the Bahamas.

Melton Mowbray

So you make pork pies. Get over yourselves. They’re just round bits of pastry and minced pig. If you built a Death Star that would be impressive, but in the meantime, STFU.

Them in the next street

Them in the next street to you are a bunch of up-themselves twats. One of them’s got a solar-powered windmill garden ornament that lights up AND goes round. WHO DO THESE PEOPLE THINK THEY ARE?

Quite often them in the next street will try to prove their superiority with ostentatious purchases like a trampoline or a caravan. Set fire to them. It’s the right thing to do.

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Are you reading for pleasure or is your phone dead?

ARE YOU reading because you enjoy the complex interplay of stimulating thoughts that a good book offers, or has your phone battery died? Take our quiz: 

When was the last time you read a book?

A) I’ve always got at least one on the go, maybe more. It keeps the mind sharp and opens it to new ideas.

B) In school, because they made us.

What book are you reading right now?

A) The Power by Naomi Alderman. I’m a little late to the game, but that book is gripping!

B) A seven-month old copy of Star magazine with a cover story about Gemma Collins.

Did you charge your phone before you left the house?

A) I don’t use my phone that heavily, so it’s probably got enough charge without needing to top it up. I don’t know, I’ve not looked at it.

B) No, no, for fuck’s sake, no. I can’t believe I didn’t. I’m a fucking idiot.

Did you bring your charger with you?

A) No. It lives downstairs, by the hall table.

B) I’ve already said I’m an idiot mate. Why doesn’t my stupid battery last more than four hours? I’ve got Twitter to check, an Instagram story to update, and God knows what’s going on in my WhatsApps.


Mostly As: You enjoy reading. Well done. But also you should know that everyone thinks you’re an arsehole. What are you trying to prove, with your fancy book? Think you’re better than everyone else? Twat.

Mostly Bs: Your phone is dead. It was either Star magazine or stare at a pigeon. But at least you’re normal, not a speccy four-eyed swot.