'You're looking well' and other insults that sound like compliments

UNSURE if you’ve just been showered with praise or secretly insulted? If you’ve heard any of these phrases, you’ve just been covertly put down.

‘You’re looking well’

Could this be a reference to your new haircut or the skincare regime that’s making your face glow with radiant beauty? No, it’s a sneaky way of saying you look less shit than usual, but still shit. They might as well just say: “You don’t look hungover or ill for once. And are you slightly less obese?”

‘It’s been nice to meet you’

Even a robot could think of a more sincere way to say goodbye than this. If a human being has said this to you, the subtext is ‘Thank God this is over’. To hammer home the point they might shake your hand very quickly then rush off talking to someone else.

‘You scrub up well’

This of course suggests that the rest of the time your personal grooming is poor to the point of unhygienic. And while this is undoubtedly true, professional insulters will wait until you’ve spent hours carefully masking your imperfections to remind you of them.

‘You’re nicer than people say’

Ouch. Clearly people have been talking about you, and the word on the street is that you’re an insufferable twat. It’s not like you can ask what people are saying either, because then you’ll sound neurotic and paranoid which will provide them with a new thing to bitch about.

‘You’re so outspoken’

This isn’t the endorsement of your loudly vocalised opinions that you’ve been waiting for. In reality it’s a roundabout way of saying that you never pipe the f**k down and other people would like to get a word in edgeways sometimes, you thundering prick. Actually very polite, in its own way.


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Five types of idiot who still haven't noticed there's a deadly virus

DESPITE a grim year of lockdown and restrictions, some people seem determined to carry on completely as normal. Check you’re not one of these tossers.

Frantic Christmas shoppers

You MUST buy stuff, so head for Oxford Street immediately. Sadly you’re probably doing the worst kind of pointless present shopping, eg. such vital items as a Union Jack mobile phone case, a wooden tie someone will grudgingly pretend is hilarious, and some overpriced fudge because you’ve run out of ideas.

People who want a casual shag

Definitely repeatedly visit the homes of anyone you vaguely know who there’s a slim chance of shagging. A handjob in the kitchen while their flatmates are out is a romantic tale akin to Romeo and Juliet, you star-crossed lovers.

Dopey twats

It could be the bellend hovering right next to you in the supermarket in case you buy all 200 pieces of cheese and there are none left for them. Or it could be one of the many Covid barrack room lawyers obsessed with some ‘fact’ they’ve learned, eg. “The doctors are probably recording too many deaths because of all the other things people die of in winter, like flu and sledge accidents.”

Your mum and dad

Your elderly parents earnestly wear their masks, keep abreast of the news on the BBC and take Covid very seriously. Then when the neighbours invite them round for Christmas drinks it’s time to party like they’re John Belushi, if he’d died from a Baileys overdose.

The government 

They’re probably just more concerned with their own careers, but there’s a strong suspicion they might be dense too. With dim-bulbs like Liz Truss in positions of responsibility, we’re probably looking at lockdown 49 in 2030, with an ageing Boris Johnson riding a digger emblazoned with the slogan ‘Britain’s Going To Beat It, This Time!’.