How to be a brown-nosing sellout on LinkedIn

ARE you willing to sell your soul on LinkedIn for the sake of your career? Here’s how to be a creepy corporate crawler online instead of just laughing loudly at your boss’s jokes.

Post mind-numbingly obvious statements about diversity

Hopefully it goes without saying that you are not a racist, sexist bigot, but ostentatiously pointing it out can win likes, shares and positive comments. Try ‘Is it just me or is it important to celebrate how different we all are?’, or something equally nauseating.

Say ‘I’m so proud to work for…’

Does your company do some token environmental stuff? Say: ‘It’s an honour to be part of an organisation that wants to make the world a better place for our children and our children’s children’. Don’t worry about laying it on too thick – you want to look like the worst kind of corporate bum-sucker. 

Mention work-life balance

Post a drippy message about how ‘we all need a healthy work-life balance’, and should ‘keep everything in perspective in our very busy lives’. Ignore the fact that you work like a gulag inmate and hassle your colleagues to do the same.

Put up stupidly early or late-night posts

Despite the above, come across as a hardcore work drone. Mention how peaceful the office is at 6am, or how proud you are that ‘all those late nights paid off and I got the report finished on time’. You could just get all your tasks done in normal working hours instead of yapping and going on Facebook, but that wouldn’t sound as good.

Post ridiculously frequently

If you’re sucking up to existing colleagues, you want to make sure they keep seeing your name. Spend all your time commenting on corporate bullshit, intently following office politics and spending hours a day on LinkedIn. You may not have time to do your actual job competently, but this is the way to get ahead.

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Woman says 'thank you' to automated checkout

A SHOPPER starved of human contact has given her sincere thanks to a checkout machine for scanning her purchases.

Joanna Kramer was doing a small shop when she absent-mindedly struck up a conversation with the chatty self-checkout, which she now considers a kind of friend.

Kramer said: “After months in lockdown, I was just desperate for any form of human kindness. Even from a machine that feels no emotion and robotically tells you to collect your change.

“It might have been the checkout’s clear and friendly tone. Or maybe because it hadn’t scolded me for putting something unexpected in its bagging area. We just hit it off straight away.

“I was really touched when it gave me some vouchers for 8p off courgettes. In fact I got quite emotional about such a kind and thoughtful gesture.”

Supermarket manager Nikki Hollis said: “We think it’s lovely Joanna has recognised the good work of self-checkout number eight. However it was a bit weird when she started telling it about her ex-boyfriend.”

Kramer now intends to stay in touch with her electronic friend, and admitted that if it asks her if she is over 18 when she tries to buy wine she may ask it out to dinner.