All the worst relatives still coming

ALL your nicest and most generous relatives will not see you at Christmas because of Covid fears while all the worst dickheads are still coming. 

The last 24 hours have seen your mum, your auntie who’s always been so good to you and your fun cousin all pull out, while your semi-estranged father, virulently right-wing uncle and that freeloading bastard cousin have confirmed. 

Helen Archer said: “Thanks Boris, you’ve devised a 100 per cent effective twat filtration system that only lets twats through. 

“Of course mum’s cancelled. She’s a kind, caring person who puts others first. Of course dad’s coming. He’s an anti-mask, anti-vaxx, heavy-drinking, selfish knobhead. 

“And what a surprise, all Uncle Gary’s kids are keeping to their bubbles this year so he’s free. Could this be related to the inevitable Uncle Gary rant about keeping politics off the football pitch while he stuffs pigs in blankets into his gammon face? 

“It’s delightful that cousin Jack’s available. I look forward to being asked if I can score any weed on Christmas Day, as I was last year, while he puts an unopened litre of Southern Comfort into his bag. 

“Cancel Christmas? At this point it’d be a mercy killing.”

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How is Doctor Who going to be bollocks this year?

EVERY year Britons settle down to watch the festive episode of Doctor Who and are bitterly disappointed. So how will it be a load of cobblers this year?

Awkward Christmas references

It is likely to feature something like a planet experiencing ‘snow’ for the first time due to a moon blowing up and scattering its white dust in the atmosphere. F**k off. Either that or some toe-curling, red-suited, rotund character called ‘Santadroid’.

A token politically correct message

Will the makers be able to resist including a movement called ‘Alien Lives Matter’? It’s unlikely. Thanks to such subtle, worthy plot lines in earlier episodes of Nu-Who, millions of people now know that Donald Trump is bad, the environment must be protected, and drowning women suspected of being witches is wrong.

It’s the bloody Daleks again

Worried about ratings? Time to whip out tried-and-tested villains the Daleks. Due to everyone’s sheer familiarity with their genocidal attitude, blue laser guns and ever-changing ability to fly or or not, they’re now about as scary as Dalek slippers. Which exist.

Northern stuff

Is every alien invasion targeted on Sheffield? What is their fascination with this particular part of the North? Do they need some cutlery? It’s as if the Cylons had an obsession with conquering Huddersfield.

Really forgettable cameo

From Bill Bailey to David Walliams as some sort of mole thing, Doctor Who loves its cameos which don’t really add much. Expect to see Little Mix pop up briefly to fix a broken sonic screwdriver. 

The inevitable post-show apology

Whichever friend or family member suggested watching it will be deeply embarrassed and say “Sorry, I thought it would be better than that”, while wishing they could dematerialise like the Tardis.