ALL your nicest and most generous relatives will not see you at Christmas because of Covid fears while all the worst dickheads are still coming.
The last 24 hours have seen your mum, your auntie who’s always been so good to you and your fun cousin all pull out, while your semi-estranged father, virulently right-wing uncle and that freeloading bastard cousin have confirmed.
Helen Archer said: “Thanks Boris, you’ve devised a 100 per cent effective twat filtration system that only lets twats through.
“Of course mum’s cancelled. She’s a kind, caring person who puts others first. Of course dad’s coming. He’s an anti-mask, anti-vaxx, heavy-drinking, selfish knobhead.
“And what a surprise, all Uncle Gary’s kids are keeping to their bubbles this year so he’s free. Could this be related to the inevitable Uncle Gary rant about keeping politics off the football pitch while he stuffs pigs in blankets into his gammon face?
“It’s delightful that cousin Jack’s available. I look forward to being asked if I can score any weed on Christmas Day, as I was last year, while he puts an unopened litre of Southern Comfort into his bag.
“Cancel Christmas? At this point it’d be a mercy killing.”