Man who called meal 'lunch' instead of 'dinner' banished from Yorkshire

A MAN has been told never to return to Yorkshire after accidentally using the wrong name for his midday meal.

In his company canteen, Martin Bishop inadvertently asked a colleague what they had bought for their ‘lunch’ when it was in fact dinner. Rightly, his co-worker immediately informed the Yorkshire authorities.

Within minutes officials swooped to permanently revoke Martin’s Yorkshireness before he had even managed one bite of the pizza, chips and gravy on his tray.

Former friend Roy Hobbs said: “It’s sad when this happens, but there must be no comprise. You start by using the ‘L-word’ and before long you’re eating sushi and drinking wine.”

Bishop’s is the 37th case of de-Yorkshireing in 2020. Other offenders include a man caught watching rugby union instead of league and a woman serving illicit Aunt Bessie’s pre-made Yorkshire puddings. 

A Yorkshire judge said: “Unless Martin receives an official pardon from Geoff Boycott, he’ll have seven days to leave the county. He’ll have to hand in his DVD copy of Kes and his open and friendly nature before he goes. That is only right.” 

Bishop’s sister Carol said: “Martin who? He’s no brother of mine. Anyway, I have to go now. My dinner’s getting cold. Shit. I meant, my ‘tea’.”

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How to have an awful Christmas thanks to the government guidelines

FANCY eating your Christmas dinner with the windows wide open in December while worrying about what exactly you’re allowed to do? Follow the government’s Christmas guidance.

Meet friends and family outdoors

Because there’s nothing nicer than standing in cold drizzle exchanging increasingly soggy gifts with a bunch of miserable people, is there? The only thing that might help is imbibing alcohol from the second you wake up on Christmas Day. Although to be honest, you’d probably do that anyway.

Meet your Christmas bubble indoors

Want to feel worried about killing your granny whilst eating cold roast potatoes in a wind tunnel caused by having the windows open at the front and back of your home? Now you can! Happy Christmas from the government.

Be a student

You’ve probably had a terrible year being locked in your halls with Covid. Now you are going to have a horrible time locked in your house with your family. No, you can’t go out to see your friends. That would be irresponsible, unlike keeping you in a confined space with a huge group of strangers.

Have a horribly complicated childcare bubble

If you have kids with a partner you’re no longer with, Christmas is probably enough of a nightmare already. Thanks to the government guidelines you can now add a tense argument with your new partner over having to include your ex as one of the three households in your bubble. Enjoy!

Do anything at all

Having announced the Christmas rules the government is now rowing back on them without actually changing them. Whatever you do, it’s going to be stressful and worrying, like a Christmas invented by Franz Kafka where you could be punished at any time for breaking rules you don’t understand. Still, the government still hopes you manage to enjoy yourself. Somehow.