CONCERNED about the health of your relationship? If you receive any of these lacklustre gifts you’ll be seeing 2021 in single:
Even a stupidly expensive Steiff teddy sends the clear message ‘I couldn’t think of anything and wasn’t going to waste any more time on it’. Worse if it’s a small, cheap one that looks a dead nylon rat. Or if they say ‘it reminds me of you!’, meaning ‘you’re fat.’
A bike accessory
Do you spend all your time on your bike, and your partner used to moan about it? This new metallic purple bottle cage is their way of saying ‘Go out on your bike more. Don’t ever be in the house. I’m f**king someone else.’
Chocolates are fine, but go to some effort. A supermarket box of Lindt spheres is a lover’s way of saying you mean as much to them as whichever dick they got in secret Santa.
Something your partner wants themselves
Whether it’s a PS5 or a spa weekend, any present that’s delivered with the false promise ‘I thought we could do it together, you might really get into it!’ is the item that will be retain when you split. See also: quad bikes, power drill sets, drones.
Decent champagne to share on Christmas Day says ‘keeper’, unless they’ve got a drink problem and insist on cracking it at 7am. However, two tiny bottles of chardonnay in a presentation pack sucks. If they give you 16 cans of Tennents Super, the relationship might be ‘troubled’ anyway.
The same thing they got you last year
Especially when you’ve unknowingly bought them the same thing they got last year.
An attempt at an ironic present, or a desperate attempt to force your hand and get you to end it? Either way.