Seven presents that say 'You're dumped'

CONCERNED about the health of your relationship? If you receive any of these lacklustre gifts you’ll be seeing 2021 in single: 

Cuddly toy

Even a stupidly expensive Steiff teddy sends the clear message ‘I couldn’t think of anything and wasn’t going to waste any more time on it’. Worse if it’s a small, cheap one that looks a dead nylon rat. Or if they say ‘it reminds me of you!’, meaning ‘you’re fat.’

A bike accessory

Do you spend all your time on your bike, and your partner used to moan about it? This new metallic purple bottle cage is their way of saying ‘Go out on your bike more. Don’t ever be in the house. I’m f**king someone else.’

Mediocre chocolates

Chocolates are fine, but go to some effort. A supermarket box of Lindt spheres is a lover’s way of saying you mean as much to them as whichever dick they got in secret Santa.

Something your partner wants themselves

Whether it’s a PS5 or a spa weekend, any present that’s delivered with the false promise ‘I thought we could do it together, you might really get into it!’ is the item that will be retain when you split. See also: quad bikes, power drill sets, drones.

Lame alcohol

Decent champagne to share on Christmas Day says ‘keeper’, unless they’ve got a drink problem and insist on cracking it at 7am. However, two tiny bottles of chardonnay in a presentation pack sucks. If they give you 16 cans of Tennents Super, the relationship might be ‘troubled’ anyway.

The same thing they got you last year

Especially when you’ve unknowingly bought them the same thing they got last year.

A spatula

An attempt at an ironic present, or a desperate attempt to force your hand and get you to end it? Either way.

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Use your own judgment over Christmas, Johnson tells country full of idiots

A PRIME minister whose position is proof that Britain makes f**king terrible decisions has told us to ‘use our own judgment’ over Christmas. 

Boris Johnson, who won an 80-seat majority from an electorate of self-destructive cretins just a year ago, has advised us to let our own dimwitted idiocy be our guide.

He continued: “If you weren’t morons, I wouldn’t be here. So I’m not about to tell you to stop now.

“I strongly advise you not to see family if at all practical, while entirely underminining my own message by making it clear you’re allowed to and I expect you to.

“Additionally, I should add that I am a notorious liar, my advice is confusing, and I can’t resist throwing in a little quip at the end to muddy waters further.”

Wayne Hayes of Cambridge said: “Good enough for me. And I judge that Covid isn’t real, this self-isolation’s bollocks, and I’m having the whole street round.”