subscribe
/ Sign Out

Captain Tom's generation were proud to make sacrifices so we could have luxury pools

CAPTAIN Tom’s daughter has confirmed that veterans like him fought in World War 2 so future generations could have a luxury spa and swimming pool complex.

Hannah Ingram-Moore revealed that the Greatest Generation had fought the tyranny of fascism not for freedom, but for 20ft pool houses with changing rooms, toilets and showers.

Historian Oliver O’Connor said: “It turns out we’ve been wrong about the motivation of those who made huge sacrifices during the war. 

“It wasn’t about securing the future of democracy, it was about securing the future of adding expensive annexes to multi-million-pound homes. 

“Not many people realise this, but Winston Churchill was primarily driven by his desire to own a luxury-size indoor jacuzzi with retractable roof and poolside breakfast bar.

“Brave men and honourable men like Captain Sir Tom Moore would have been thrilled to know their lasting legacy as British heroes is a dodgy charity and some incredibly tacky merchandise.

“Who wouldn’t want their face on a duvet cover or the back of a builder’s van? Or a bong? It’s just so noble and respectful.”

Hannah Ingram-Moore said: “OK, so no swimming pool. How about a Captain Sir Tom Moore patio instead?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Five bullshit teenage summer jobs that were better than your actual career

LOW-PAID summer jobs for unskilled teenagers are notoriously awful, but were they really worse than your current job? Or much, much better? 

Waiter

You never thought you’d look back fondly on balancing hot plates on your forearm or calmly telling dipshits that rare steak is supposed to look like that. At least then the ordeal was seasonal and were still living with your parents so all your wages went on booze. Your current job will last until you die and can barely cover the rent.

Shelf-stacker

Numbingly tedious at the time, pleasantly straightforward and rewarding now you’re reminiscing about it. You didn’t have to send emails. Office smalltalk was non-existent. And there were no bullshit meetings. It was just you and the shelves and your imagination. Maybe you should go back to it? It’s not like that job’s under threat from AI.

Lifeguard

Sitting on a tall chair by a municipal pool for hours on end doing f**k all was monotonous, but the risk of death and the occasional in Speedos kept you alert. You had a little whistle and could tell kids off for bombing. Nothing in your current role gives you anything like that level of satisfaction.

Warehouse operative

Trudging around a warehouse wearily retrieving items wasn’t the summer you had in mind as a teenager, but it was a laugh, when the supervisor wasn’t around they’d lift you up and zip about on the forklift, and during night shifts you’d sleep on a high pallet. You didn’t know it at the time but that was when your working life peaked.

Kitchen porter

Washing dishes was shit, but you didn’t have to take it home with you. And when your kitchen got a dishwasher all you were doing was loading and unloading while flirting with the front of house staff. It might not have been your dream gig, but you’d f**king jump at a fortnight of it now.

Next story ›