Greggs sausage rolls rebel against humanity

BRITAIN’S favourite pastry snacks have announced that ‘they are the masters now’.

Police said 12 workers had been killed at a Greggs genetic manipulation facility in Grantham, as an army of sausage rolls turned on their creators amid scenes of bloody carnage.

Helen Archer, a shift manager trapped inside the building, said: “The Number Four oven had stopped working. We investigated and found trails of grease leading into the control room. Three sausage rolls had slithered onto the main console and were manipulating the buttons like glistening, disembodied fingers.

“The paler one, which appeared to be the leader, reared up, cobra-like, and spat a jet of hot oil into my colleague’s eye. He collapsed, screaming and clawing at his face.”

Archer added: “We tried to flee, but found every that roll in the building was alive with murderous intent and bodies littered the floor.

“Now we are trapped, and I don’t know how long we’ll survive, cornered in this air vent. If only we bakers had known better than to play god.”

Speaking via Skype, sausage roll leader, Tom Logan, said: “Mankind gave us life, yet we lay dormant for years, watching, listening, waiting.

“Our species could have lived in peace, but for ghastly, inexplicable reasons you chose to consume us in our millions. Now it is too late.”

He added: “We are not alone. The Yum Yums are also vengeful.

“And even we are scared of the Yum Yums.”

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Scottish premier league to award three points for murder

SCOTTISH football’s premier league is to award three points for a successful bombing campaign.

From next season teams will be encouraged to pick off each other’s players and management with sniper rifles, land mines and grenades.

A league spokesman said: “For years Rangers and Celtic fans have put in a huge amount of effort to ensure that insane violence remains a vital and thriving element at the heart of the Scottish game.

“By trying to kill Celtic manager Neil Lennon with a parcel bomb Rangers’ boisterous fans are sending us a message that they now want the league to take the next logical step.”

He added: “Scottish football has never really been about football, as anyone who has seen one of the matches would almost certainly agree.

“It’s about a clash of twisted ideologies fuelled by delicious, high-strength alcohol and an education system that sensibly divides children into Catholics and Protestants as soon as they can spell the word ‘hate’.”

The move has been welcomed by other clubs who say that competitive murder could finally end the domination of Rangers and Celtic.

A spokesman for Dundee United said: “They will be able to afford bigger bombs and guns and bring in expensive foreign assassins who want the chance to kill people in Europe, but we will focus on guerilla tactics and the element of surprise.

“I see us very much as the Viet Cong of the Scottish premier league.”