NATO to arm ISIL to fight ISIS

NATO has agreed to provide arms to radical Islamic group ISIL in the hope they can halt the spread of ISIS.

The Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant are acknowledged fundamentalists but are thought to be the only hope of shaking the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria’s hold on the territory.

NATO Secretary General Anders Fogh Rasmussen, better known for his nine years at Blackburn Rovers, said: “People say that ISIL are murderous maniacs, but down that way who isn’t?

“We were considering backing Syria’s President Assad, who you may recall we all wanted to bomb this time last year, against ISIS but then this new group ISIL came along and they seemed as good as anyone.”

Middle Eastern experts claiming the two groups are actually the same have been reminded that they said the same about backing Al-Qaeda to get rid of al-Qa’ida and that worked out okay.


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New app makes it easy to discover shit music

AN app has been launched that will make it easier to discover brand new, terrible music.

There’s a shit-party in her head

Experts say TingTones could overtake more traditional sources of shit music, such as X-Factor, student club nights, and supermarket radio.

Tom Logan, CEO of TingTones, said: “Our research found that everyone, regardless of age, gender, ethnic background or social class, listens to shit.

“With TingTones, you just tell it what shit you already like, and it plays you something just as shit that you won’t have heard before.

“You can have fresh shit streaming straight into your ears wherever you are. It doesn’t matter whether you’re into shit boybands, shit R’n’B, shit indie, or even the shit your parents listened to.”

Emma Bradford, from Gloucester, said: “When I was younger, I enjoyed forcing myself to dance to Jamie T and the Klaxons. I thought those days were gone, but thanks to TingTones I’ve been discovering The Wanted and Sam Smith, who are even shitter.”

“There’s an ocean of shit out there, and I can’t wait to dive in.”

Logan said he was already drawing up plans for a dating app that matches total arseholes.