Pretty much everything a threat to global security

SCOTTISH independence, ISIS, the Ebola virus and the performance of Chetna on The Great British Bake-Off are all significant risks to global security.

Experts believe the world is currently balanced on such a knife-edge that the slightest incident, such as a driver at some Uxbridge traffic lights not realising they changed six seconds ago, could tip us over into unimaginable chaos.

Historian Dr Mary Fisher said: “Nobody gave a flat fuck about Archduke Franz Ferdinand back in 1914, but for some reason his shooting sparked unprecedented intercontinental bloodshed for four straight years.

“Right now, it wouldn’t even take anything that big. A sparrow landing on the wrong twig, a builder’s tea having one too few sugars, a minor argument about hair wax between the members of One Direction.

“And once it’s happened that’s it. The riots, slaughter and cannibalism will spread out from that epicentre and consume all in its path.”

President Barack Obama has raised the global terror level to Infra Black and deployed experts to stroke the Earth and soothe it.

He added: “Until further notice, everyone in the entire world must remain completely still and not do anything at all.”