Pretty much everything a threat to global security

SCOTTISH independence, ISIS, the Ebola virus and the performance of Chetna on The Great British Bake-Off are all significant risks to global security.

Experts believe the world is currently balanced on such a knife-edge that the slightest incident, such as a driver at some Uxbridge traffic lights not realising they changed six seconds ago, could tip us over into unimaginable chaos.

Historian Dr Mary Fisher said: “Nobody gave a flat fuck about Archduke Franz Ferdinand back in 1914, but for some reason his shooting sparked unprecedented intercontinental bloodshed for four straight years.

“Right now, it wouldn’t even take anything that big. A sparrow landing on the wrong twig, a builder’s tea having one too few sugars, a minor argument about hair wax between the members of One Direction.

“And once it’s happened that’s it. The riots, slaughter and cannibalism will spread out from that epicentre and consume all in its path.”

President Barack Obama has raised the global terror level to Infra Black and deployed experts to stroke the Earth and soothe it.

He added: “Until further notice, everyone in the entire world must remain completely still and not do anything at all.”


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Cara Delevingne to play Margo in movie version of The Good Life

SUPERMODEL Cara Delevingne will play Margo Leadbetter in a big budget drama about the dark side of suburban self-sufficiency.

Director David Fincher is to remake the 1970s sitcom The Good Life about a man who tires of the rat race and decides to ruin the lives of everyone around him.

Delevingne will play Margo, the snobbish but kind-hearted neighbour, while her pathetic, lecherous husband Jerry will be played by Gary Oldman.

The part of vegetable growing villian Tom Good will be played by Ralph Feinnes and his brave but desperate wife Barbara will be played by Hillary Swank.

Fincher said: “This is not a comedy. We want to explore the unhinged psyche of a man who robbed his lovely wife of middle-class security and made a previously pleasant neighbourhood stink of pig shit and rotting goat meat.”

Delevingne is preparing for the role by standing in front of a mirror and repeating ‘well thank you very much Jerry’ in a darkly sarcastic voice.