Salmond Declares War On Holland

IN his first act as Scotland's new First Minister, Alex Salmond has declared war on the Dutch.

Dressed in full military uniform and carrying a riding crop, Salmond stunned MSPs as he outlined his plans for a full scale invasion of the Netherlands.

He told MSPs: "I have never been opposed to war in principle, only to those wars I disagreed with.

"Holland is much nearer and much flatter than the peace-loving nation of Iraq, and far more deserving of my wrath.

"They sicken me with their bong-ridden cafes, their outstanding beer, their beautiful cities, their total football and their magnificent attitude to weird sex.

"And as Holland is so flat, it will mean massive savings on tank fuel. This will be the most environmentally friendly invasion in the history of warfare and will help Scotland meet its 2020 carbon emissions targets."

Challenged by Labour backbenchers Salmond said: "During the election campaign I stated very clearly that England would be our 'best pal' while Holland would be wiped off the surface of the earth. I'm surprised you don't remember that."

Salmond then called for a "great national effort to subdue these tulip-eating devils". 

The First Minister added: "The warlike passion of the Scots has been aroused and if the Dutch think they can hold us back then they better have some absolutely enormous dykes."

Dirk Van Poomf, spokesman for the Dutch consulate in Edinburgh, said: "This took us completely by surprise. We expected him to declare war on somewhere flat but we thought it would be Kent or Sussex."

He added: "It seems your Mr Salmond is nothing more than a power-mad freak, determined to drum-up support for his minority government.

"Well let me tell you this, the Dutch are a proud, flat, tulip-loving people who are happy to experiment with all manner of things. If we have to experiment with war against Scotland, then so be it."

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Glasgow Launches Bid For 'Swearing Olympics'

GLASGOW city leaders today unveiled a £40 million package of incentives in their bid to host the 2014 Commonmouth Games – the Olympics of world swearing.

The famously abusive Scottish city faces a serious foul-mouthed rival for the prestigious event in the shape of Nigeria's Abuja, the cursing capital of West Africa.

But Glasgow bid supremo Harry Keek said he was sure the city’s package of incentives and outright bribes meant it could confidently tell Abuja to "get to fuck".

Mr Keek said much of the incentive package would be directed into swearing promotion, in particular potty-mouth training for the under-fives in Glasgow and the rest of the developing world.

He said: "The games are all about celebrating the top arseing swearers in the world today, but there is no pissing point unless we invest to bring on the next cocking generation."

The city has designed a new promotional logo featuring a smiling child and the slogan "Fuck Glasgow 2014". 

The bid has received strong support from William McKay, Glasgow's own World Freestyle Swearing Champion.

"What in the name of tits are you looking at? Bastarding arsemonkeys. Shit off. Twat!"

Glasgow has submitted a formidable bid and can put forward a strong case with many of the facilities it needs to stage a major swearing event already in place.

With Hampden, Celtic Park and Ibrox, the city already has the world's three most respected swearing venues, all of which frequently stage events attracting 60,000-plus crowds of unbelievably foul-mouthed amateur swearers.

Meanwhile Sauchiehall Street holds the current record for the number of "speccy wee shites" aimed at a single bespectacled man by drunken bystanders over a 1500 metre stroll on a Friday evening.

While Glasgow is confident in its facilities it is also controversially offering a series of freebies to the selection committee as part of its bid to win their backing.

Each will be offered a free bed for the duration of the event in the city centre hostel where McKay honed his skills.

At the same time each will be given two complimentary 'arses', one 'cock' and a 'fanny' to be used against a sullen taxi driver of their choice.

Boala Koje, the Nigerian Minister for Swearing, said Glasgow’s bid was strong but he was sure Abuja would triumph.

He said: "They both really are super efforts, put together by professional teams. It will be a great contest and it is a great shame that, in the end, some fucker has to lose."