IN his first act as Scotland's new First Minister, Alex Salmond has declared war on the Dutch.
Dressed in full military uniform and carrying a riding crop, Salmond stunned MSPs as he outlined his plans for a full scale invasion of the Netherlands.
He told MSPs: "I have never been opposed to war in principle, only to those wars I disagreed with.
"Holland is much nearer and much flatter than the peace-loving nation of Iraq, and far more deserving of my wrath.
"They sicken me with their bong-ridden cafes, their outstanding beer, their beautiful cities, their total football and their magnificent attitude to weird sex.
"And as Holland is so flat, it will mean massive savings on tank fuel. This will be the most environmentally friendly invasion in the history of warfare and will help Scotland meet its 2020 carbon emissions targets."
Challenged by Labour backbenchers Salmond said: "During the election campaign I stated very clearly that England would be our 'best pal' while Holland would be wiped off the surface of the earth. I'm surprised you don't remember that."
Salmond then called for a "great national effort to subdue these tulip-eating devils".
The First Minister added: "The warlike passion of the Scots has been aroused and if the Dutch think they can hold us back then they better have some absolutely enormous dykes."
Dirk Van Poomf, spokesman for the Dutch consulate in Edinburgh, said: "This took us completely by surprise. We expected him to declare war on somewhere flat but we thought it would be Kent or Sussex."
He added: "It seems your Mr Salmond is nothing more than a power-mad freak, determined to drum-up support for his minority government.
"Well let me tell you this, the Dutch are a proud, flat, tulip-loving people who are happy to experiment with all manner of things. If we have to experiment with war against Scotland, then so be it."