Seven countries Britain could invade to cheer itself up

BORIS Johnson has promised to use force to defend the Falklands in a retro callback to 1982. But who should we really invade to restore our national pride? 

Andorra

This country of 181 square miles on the France-Spain border is easily beatable, even with Tory cutbacks to our defence budget. With only a small ceremonial army we could take the place in hours and go on about it for years. Plus with Gibraltar in the south we’d have Spain in a classic pincer movement.

Antarctica

An easy win – there’s no army there, and our troops can take down penguins no bother. We can use the Falklands as a staging post and perhaps begin exiling prisoners there, like we used to with Australia.

The United States of America

A mob of meme-posting Trump supporters took the Capitol building in hours, so imagine what the SAS could accomplish. It was ours originally so we’re entirely justified, they’ll be glad the grown-ups are stepping in after the last few years, and we can get them to drive on the left, call ‘cookies’ biscuits, and stop saying ‘aluminum’ when they mean ‘aluminium’.

Scotland

Currently part of the UK, but we could give them independence on Saturday evening, then invade in the afternoon when they’re all pissed. By Sunday, status quo and the union will be restored. Can be repeated on a weekly basis like in the 1700s.

The Moon

Given there’s no one there, all we have to do is send one person up with a Union Jack and we’ve won. We don’t have a space shuttle, but we could give the contract to Matt Hancock’s pub landlord mate who can apparently knock up anything at a moment’s notice.

Ireland

Obviously.

The EU

They robbed us of our bendy bananas and made us have maroon passports. Well, we’ve suffered enough. Why did take back control if not for war? We’ll be halfway to Greece by the time their unelected bureaucrats start debating in Brussels. Once they’ve surrendered, we’ll force them to sign a free trade deal giving us freedom of movement and goods within the whole bloc. That’ll show them.

Springwatch renamed Vole Love Island

THE BBC is changing the name of flagship nature show Springwatch to Vole Love Island to appeal to a younger, sexier demographic. 

The move is an attempt to fill the gap in the market left by the suspension of Love Island with a similar collection of rutting beasts, but unwaxed.

A spokesman said: “Chris Packham will be replaced by breathless commentary from Maya Jama and all the voles will be given names like Brigg, Finn and Tilly-Lea.

“We’ll follow them in their burrows and out in the hedgerows as they couple up, fight and mate. They’ll be given little thimbles of prosecco to keep them frenzied.

“Will September have a litter with Maxim, or is she tempted by Tony? What will Max’s ex Diamond, a former nightclub dancer for shrews, have to say about that? Sparks are going to fly!”

The strategy is part of a larger initiative across the corporation to steal competitors’ market share by rebranding, with other shows including Naked Bargain Hunt and The Masked Antiques Roadshow on Ice. 

But former presenter Chris Packham said: “They’ve f**ked this right up. Voles mate for life. Should have gone for deer mice. They shag anything.”