BRITAIN was huddled close together last night as the first snowfall of winter launched a massive assault on our cherished way of life.

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The Met Office said the first flake crashed into the hills above Stirling at 3.06am and was quickly followed by an onslaught which covered roofs, cars and countless thousands of slow moving children.

With snow now falling across much of the country, members of the public are being urged to remain calm, barricade their doors and sacrifice an elderly relative before disposing of the body on a large backyard bonfire that can be seen for miles.

Ministers have implemented Operation Bobsleigh, including the closure of airports, schools and local authority gritting depots, as the RAF begins targeted bombing raids over heavily populated areas.

Meanwhile on the railways, both Virgin and Network South East have warned that 93% of their older trains are about to explode.

The Home Office has also issued emergency guidelines including:

  • Shoot to kill
  • Be prepared to eat your entire cat
  • Install a large, cast-iron stove on the passenger seat of your car
  • Buy – or catch – a wolf
  • Fill EVERYTHING with hot tea
  • Hats!

At Westminster all eyes are on Gordon Brown as the beleaguered prime minister faces the first snowfall of his premiership.

A source close to Mr Brown said: "Gordon has been desperate to take on snow, head-to-head. After the floods and the foot and mouth outbreak, he sees himself very much as the Phil Collins of crisis management."

The source added: "The fightback begins now. If I was David Cameron I'd lock myself in the toilet with a Billie Piper calender and a few bags of Monster Munch."