BRITAIN was huddled close together last night as the first snowfall of winter launched a massive assault on our cherished way of life.

The Met Office said the first flake crashed into the hills above Stirling at 3.06am and was quickly followed by an onslaught which covered roofs, cars and countless thousands of slow moving children.

With snow now falling across much of the country, members of the public are being urged to remain calm, barricade their doors and sacrifice an elderly relative before disposing of the body on a large backyard bonfire that can be seen for miles.

Ministers have implemented Operation Bobsleigh, including the closure of airports, schools and local authority gritting depots, as the RAF begins targeted bombing raids over heavily populated areas.

Meanwhile on the railways, both Virgin and Network South East have warned that 93% of their older trains are about to explode.

The Home Office has also issued emergency guidelines including:

  • Shoot to kill
  • Be prepared to eat your entire cat
  • Install a large, cast-iron stove on the passenger seat of your car
  • Buy – or catch – a wolf
  • Fill EVERYTHING with hot tea
  • Hats!

At Westminster all eyes are on Gordon Brown as the beleaguered prime minister faces the first snowfall of his premiership.

A source close to Mr Brown said: "Gordon has been desperate to take on snow, head-to-head. After the floods and the foot and mouth outbreak, he sees himself very much as the Phil Collins of crisis management."

The source added: "The fightback begins now. If I was David Cameron I'd lock myself in the toilet with a Billie Piper calender and a few bags of Monster Munch."


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Orangutans Amused By Mr Bean

ORANGUTANS have a sense of humour but it is very poor, scientists have discovered. 

Dr Nikki Hollis, head of animal humour studies at Cambridge University said the great apes lack sophistication and their jokes display a woeful lack of comic timing.

Some orangutans could raise a smile, she stressed, but most operated at a level only marginally higher than Brian Conley.

She said the apes were not strong on irony, and tended to concentrate on jokes about the terrible flatulence caused by a diet of tree bark and nits.

Dr Hollis said: “We showed them Mr Bean’s Holiday last week and they howled all the way through. They even laugh at Jack Dee.

"But when we gave them the box set of the second series of Curb Your Enthusiasm, one tried to eat it while another tried to wear it as a hat.”

Dr Hollis said female orangutans were the butt of many of the jokes, although the vast majority of their humour is directed against gorillas.

She added: “According to them gorillas are stupid drunks, who eat nothing but potatoes and believe in little people with large pots of gold.”