Are you being allowed to work from home because you're a twat?

OFFICE working is returning, but many staff are encouraged to work from home. Is it more efficient or do your colleagues hate you?  

How did your boss raise the subject of homeworking?

A) Praised my productivity, asked if I needed any support and said to feel free to come in any time.
B) Emailed saying ‘Annalise has got your desk, your stuff’s in storage, for f**k’s sake don’t come in unless you absolutely have to.’

Before lockdown, what were your main responsibilities in the office?

A) Supervising staff, identifying revenue streams, chairing development meetings.
B) Hovering around people’s desks talking about Formula 1 and making uncomfortable comments like, ‘Getting into your bikini this summer, Laura?’

Is not being in the office a problem for you?

A) I miss the camaraderie but I’ve adapted and I love the time and money I’m saving by not commuting.
B) Nah, because I don’t have to squeeze myself into my one pair of smart trousers, the two shirts I alternate all week and should wash every weekend but don’t, and there’s no more of that showering every three days. Though I do miss stealing reams of A4.

How do you feel about Zoom meetings?

A) They don’t need to be stilted if you let everyone contribute, and it’s nice to see friendly faces.
B) Bloody brilliant. Everyone has to listen to you and the moment they’re over you can get back to Pornhub.

Have you ever suspected you might be a workplace twat?

A) You can’t get along with everyone all the time, but no.
B) No way! I’m the office joker and the ideas guy. It was me who kept hassling all the girls to do a naked calendar for Comic Relief.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Your company appreciates that you can work from home without four lunchtimes and a daily nap, watching a film every afternoon and compulsive wanking.

Mostly Bs: Your co-workers consider you a twat. For your information, saying things like ‘Woargh – did you just let one off, Jennifer?’ is not ‘banter’. They hope never to see you again.

Britain prepares for the return of awkward, forced intimacy

THE government has confirmed that awkward English hugs neither party is comfortable with are permitted from next week. 

Britons are bracing themselves to once again be compelled to embrace relatives, friends and friends’ partners for a brief, self-conscious moment before disengaging while looking in different directions from May 17th.

Eleanor Shaw, aged 32, said: “The social minefield of acquaintance-hugging has been officially restored and I for one am cringing in anticipation.

“Nobody ever knows how to approach it. Before distancing rules I was constantly going in for a hug at the wrong moment, tensing in discomfort and then suffering a dry peck on the cheek.

“How long should the hug last? Am I compelled to hug friends’ boyfriends just because I hug the friend? Will Mum still use it to check how much weight I’ve put on? Will Dad still stiffen in terror?”

Joe Turner of Basildon agreed: “Clammy, deeply uncomfortable physical contact is surely something Chris Whitty could come out and delay for a few months. We’d accept it, as a nation.

“Let’s leave hugging until say October. We’ve got the pub.”