NO-ONE wants to hear about your job, but you’ve got nothing else in your life so here’s how to wank on about it anyway:
Brand yourself as a guru
Want everyone to bow down before you and inflate your pay? Share an incredibly tedious article on LinkedIn about Zoom fatigue, change your job description to ‘business guru’ or ‘rockstar consultant’, and hope no-one remembers you got fired from the job-before-last for watching porn on your work laptop.
Flog your side-hustle
Normally an estate agent, you’ve got a new sideline flogging cheap hampers or miraculous creams. Your Facebook friends, who only followed you to watch you ageing badly, are swiftly realising this means years of invites to awkward parties where you give them the hard sell over glasses of cheap prosecco.
Be a lifestyle entrepreneur
Making zero profit selling over-packaged cupcakes to vapid idiots for £16 a box? Remember, you’re not selling a product, you’re selling a narrative, so relentlessly remind Instagram of your inspirational ‘journey’ and business kudos. Offer them the chance to buy into your dream and make it real, ignoring that your dream is 65 per cent profit by ripping off mates.
Share old pictures of work travel
You used to travel to cool places for work, but what if people have forgotten this? Remind them at once by re-posting on Facebook old pictures of yourself sitting smugly in a business class lounge captioned ‘Wow, just two years ago!’ Don’t share your actual memories of getting so drunk the vice-president of marketing had to put you to bed.
Be a corporate suck-up
What, your company just achieved something incredibly dull, that means nothing to anyone outside your niche industry? Share it immediately with all your contacts to show how passionate, motivated and promotion-worthy you are. Ignore that this is a message for one person, your boss, who never sees your posts because they muted you years ago.
