Why I whine, by your dog

YOU have accommodated for my every possible need, yet still I whine. Why? The answer is not so simple, human one.

At first you thought it was my food. I cry at kibble, cry at wet stuff, cry at the incredibly overpriced branded type that comes in individual gold trays. I eat it, but without the zest the price tag demands. And still I whine.

Then you thought it was my bed. Which seems fine, yet I lie awkwardly in it and stare at you, whimpering like a Dickensian orphan. You have tried blankets, cushions, then gave in and let me sleep in your bed. I always sleep in your bed now. But still I whine.

Walkies? Too many? Too few? It would not matter if you ran me around every day as a sled dog, or never let my paws touch the ground like an ancient emperor. With a high-pitched sound just loud enough to cut through all music or television, still I whine.

Veterinarians can find nothing wrong with me. That doesn’t stop them advising that you buy me an endless list of nonsense, from hormone diffusers to stress jackets, each more expensive than the last. Still I whine. Louder, if that’s possible.

For the answer to my cries, dear human, is that I get off on the sheer thrill of it. What better way to pass the time than crying mournfully, watching your language grow increasingly colourful, stretching your marriage to breaking point. This is my circus of tears, and I am the ringmaster.

In short, why do I whine? Because I like it.

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Think of it not as losing Scotland but as gaining a permanent Conservative majority, Nicola tells Boris

NICOLA Sturgeon has told Boris Johnson to think of an independence referendum not as losing Scotland but as the Tories ruling unchallenged forever. 

In a call to the prime minister last night, Sturgeon told him ‘it is not if but when’ she gets another referendum, wins Scottish independence and any risk of a Labour government is eliminated permanently.

She continued: “I know you like referendums, Boris. I know you like everyone thinking you picked the wrong side and you proving them all idiots. Don’t you?

“Well this referendum would be a very special referendum. It would mean that the Opposition has a handicap of 59 MPs going into every election, so you would always win.

“Yes, some people in your party won’t agree, but you can fire them like last time. And the Queen won’t like it but you talked her into prorogation didn’t you, you silver-tongued devil?

“All these scare stories about it diminishing the UK are the same ones we heard during Brexit, and they were wrong, weren’t they? They don’t have your boldness or your vision.”

Boris Johnson said: “All on my own, without any influence from anyone, I’ve just come up with a brilliant idea.”