Five awful men every woman has gone out with

ARE you a heterosexual woman? Commiserations, because you’ve definitely dated one or more of these arseholes: 

The stoner

It doesn’t have to be marijuana – maybe it’s Red Bull, or coke – but this dude was always more focused on getting high than spending time with you. Remember having your dinner plans cancelled at zero notice so he could go smoke in his mate Grubby’s in car? And you still had sex with him later.

The cheater

The classic image of infidelity is the married man having a lunchtime tryst with his secretary, but if you’ve gone out with this guy you know it starts way earlier. Darren had five girls on the go when you were in Year 11, and you remember him fondly each time you have an STI test.

The connoisseur

You initially started going out with him because he seemed intelligent, thoughtful and well-read, but it became apparent his true joy was in belittling anyone who hasn’t watched all the arthouse films he has, and girlfriends especially. He’s now living in Camberwell with his impossibly thin French wife and a pedigree dog who hates him.

The high-flyer

When he told you he woke up at 5am to do pilates you pictured yourself inspired to do the same. And his flat in the centre of London was so convenient, even if he was never there, and when he was there he only talked about cryptocurrency and poverty was a choice. You only got halfway through dumping him when he took a call from his broker and never came back.

The bore

Did you really waste two years of your life going out with this man? It all happened so fast – you went on one date, he didn’t pick his nose or nick your chips, and suddenly you were playing board games at his sister’s house every Friday evening. If you can’t remember his name, that’s ok. It was probably Ian.

Stabbing a fork into your thigh, and other activities more gratifying than being left-wing in Britain

ARE you broadly left-wing? Does British politics cause you indescribable pain? Here are five things more gratifying than the same miserable election results year after year: 

Self-wounding

Have you ever considered intentionally jabbing an object into your eye? It’s painful, wilfully stupid, and will blind you to your side losing another Red Wall seat to the party who’ve been f**king the country for ten years. So win-win.

Burning your mouth on the first bite of a meal

Sitting down to enjoy a lovely meal and then promptly burning the roof of your mouth is way more satisfying than watching the party you support oust its leader to become more electable and then promptly losing a by-election. At least you got a small taste of something nice before it turned to shit.

Permanently staining your favourite shirt

Hey, it’s only a shirt. You can always buy a replacement that looks a bit like your old one. Not so with a political party. Maybe you could vote for one of the small parties that will never get in but will make you feel good about yourself? That’s a bit like having a parliamentary majority, right?

Contracting a stomach bug

You might hate seeing yesterday’s meal again, but surely not as much as you hate seeing the same bollocks play out every time anyone with progressive policies attempts to do anything in this post-Brexit hellscape. And you’ll be done vomiting in a day, instead of ten f**king years.

Being mugged

Losing your phone to some thieving bastard is terrifying and getting it replaced is an expensive pain in the arse, but freeing yourself of your real-time portal into whatever outrages the Tories are committing and Labour isn’t might finally help you find that inner peace you haven’t had since the Iraq War.