ARE you a heterosexual woman? Commiserations, because you’ve definitely dated one or more of these arseholes:
It doesn’t have to be marijuana – maybe it’s Red Bull, or cocaine – but this dude was always more focused on getting high than spending time with you. Remember having your dinner plans cancelled at zero notice so he could go smoke in his mate Grubby’s car? And you still had sex with him later.
The classic image of infidelity is the married man having a lunchtime tryst with his secretary, but if you’ve gone out with this guy you know it starts way earlier. Darren had five girls on the go when you were in Year 11, and you remember him fondly each time you have an STI test.
You initially started going out with him because he seemed intelligent, thoughtful and well-read, but it became apparent his true joy was in belittling anyone who hasn’t watched all the arthouse films he has, and girlfriends especially. He’s now living in Camberwell with his impossibly thin French wife and a pedigree dog who hates him.
When he told you he woke up at 5am to do pilates you pictured yourself inspired to do the same. And his flat in the centre of London was so convenient, even if he was never there, and when he was there he only talked about cryptocurrency and how poverty was a choice. You only got halfway through dumping him when he took a call from his broker and never came back.
Did you really waste two years of your life going out with this man? It all happened so fast – you went on one date, he didn’t pick his nose or nick your chips, and suddenly you were playing board games at his sister’s house every Friday evening. If you can’t remember his name, that’s ok. It was probably Ian.