Are you cheating yourself by taking fewer than 7.8 sick days a year?

HAVE you allowed the number of sick days you take per year to fall below the national average, missing out at paid time at home? 

Millions of Britons are failing to take the 7.8 sick days a year they are entitled to by the law of averages, instead turning up to work like idiots.

Health secretary Steve Barclay said: “We’re proud to be pushing sick days up to a record for the decade – up two days a month since before Covid – but we need your help.

“There’s little more than three months of 2023 left and there are workers out there who haven’t emailed in with rotten guts all year. These figures only look this good because of the long-term malingerers. Go on, have a sickie! What’s stopping you?”

Warehouse co-ordinator Nathan Muir said: “Bloody hell, I had no idea it was at 7.8. I’ve had five sick days already this year so I thought I was up to my quota. Must be because of Brexit.

“I’ll have to develop the necessary non-specific swift-recovery illness some time over the next month. When’s there something good dropping on Netflix? I fancy a binge-watch.”

HR manager Carolyn Ryan said: “What possible reason could an employee have for not taking paid time off without consequences? If we have such people they get a written warning.”

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Celebrity delighted to discover she's also an author

A HOLLYWOOD actor was thrilled to learn she is also a talented novelist and has a book published, she has confirmed. 

The star admitted her career as a professional wordsmith was a wonderful surprise, that she had always wondered how these things got done, and actually it was easier than she had ever imagined.

Millie Bobby Brown, aged 19, said: “And I think my youth only adds to my achievement.

“It’s happened to other actors, of course – I still remember the mingled shock and joy on Keanu’s face when he said ‘I’ve written a comic?! Nobody told me.’

“But to have written an actual novel, apparently of the historical genre, is surely more impressive. Look, there’s my name in gold on the cover under some other words.

“I’m glad it’s an adult novel, as well. I think it’s embarrassing when celebrities become parents and can’t stop squirting out childrens’ books.

“I wonder what I’ll do next. Become an ambassador for a charity I know nothing about and have no connection to? Why not, sounds fun.”