HAVE you allowed the number of sick days you take per year to fall below the national average, missing out at paid time at home?
Millions of Britons are failing to take the 7.8 sick days a year they are entitled to by the law of averages, instead turning up to work like idiots.
Health secretary Steve Barclay said: “We’re proud to be pushing sick days up to a record for the decade – up two days a month since before Covid – but we need your help.
“There’s little more than three months of 2023 left and there are workers out there who haven’t emailed in with rotten guts all year. These figures only look this good because of the long-term malingerers. Go on, have a sickie! What’s stopping you?”
Warehouse co-ordinator Nathan Muir said: “Bloody hell, I had no idea it was at 7.8. I’ve had five sick days already this year so I thought I was up to my quota. Must be because of Brexit.
“I’ll have to develop the necessary non-specific swift-recovery illness some time over the next month. When’s there something good dropping on Netflix? I fancy a binge-watch.”
HR manager Carolyn Ryan said: “What possible reason could an employee have for not taking paid time off without consequences? If we have such people they get a written warning.”