ARE you the person who co-workers thinly veil their loathing for and try to avoid? Find out:
Do you distract colleagues from working by constantly drawing attention to yourself?
A) No. it irritates the shit out of me when someone is drumming their fingers or mumble-narrating their every menial activity.
B) Everyone loves a good anecdote, right? When I address the whole office with a long story about something hilarious that happened to me in Asda I know they are rolling their eyes with me, not at me.
Do you prolong meetings by asking tedious questions?
A) No. ‘Any other questions?’ is rhetorical. It’s like the school bell: when you hear it, it’s time to leave.
B) There’s nothing tedious about deep-diving on an issue that needs further clarification, or asking questions about something inconsequential and months away, like the Christmas party. That’s just showing commitment.
Do you send emails or WhatsApp messages about work late in the evening?
A) No. I work long hours, so time in the evening is my own. And who the f**k sets up a WhatsApp group for work, anyway?
B) Sometimes in the evening I’ll remember the copier needs paper or I need to check an account’s been invoiced. But that’s for the official work group, not the fun one I set up for sharing memes and office gossip. There has to be a boundary.
Have you made it your responsibility to log every contravention of company policy, no matter how trivial?
A) No. Some things are best just let go. Most things, in fact.
B) Yes. Obsessively.
Do you volunteer for extra tasks?
A) Christ, no. I don’t get paid enough.
B) Not absolutely everything. Although I did volunteer to reorganise the company filing systems last weekend, and then ran lunch break orientation seminars to ensure seamless implementation. You’re welcome!
Every office has a wanker, does yours?
A) Yes. At the moment she’s having a really f**king loud conversation with someone slightly less annoying.
B) No. Everyone’s really nice. I made us all badges that say so.
Mostly As: You are the office wanker, and destined for a career in lower middle-management. However, you’re so lacking in self-awareness that you see this as a major win.
Mostly Bs: No, it’s not you. You’re a normal, bored shitless office drone and that’s where you’ll stay, until the wanker inevitably becomes your supervisor.
