Are you the wanker in your office? Take our quiz

ARE you the person who co-workers thinly veil their loathing for and try to avoid? Find out:

Do you distract colleagues from working by constantly drawing attention to yourself?

A) No. it irritates the shit out of me when someone is drumming their fingers or mumble-narrating their every menial activity.

B) Everyone loves a good anecdote, right? When I address the whole office with a long story about something hilarious that happened to me in Asda I know they are rolling their eyes with me, not at me.

Do you prolong meetings by asking tedious questions?

A) No. ‘Any other questions?’ is rhetorical. It’s like the school bell: when you hear it, it’s time to leave.

B) There’s nothing tedious about deep-diving on an issue that needs further clarification, or asking questions about something inconsequential and months away, like the Christmas party. That’s just showing commitment.

Do you send emails or WhatsApp messages about work late in the evening?

A) No. I work long hours, so time in the evening is my own. And who the f**k sets up a WhatsApp group for work, anyway?

B) Sometimes in the evening I’ll remember the copier needs paper or I need to check an account’s been invoiced. But that’s for the official work group, not the fun one I set up for sharing memes and office gossip. There has to be a boundary.

Have you made it your responsibility to log every contravention of company policy, no matter how trivial?

A) No. Some things are best just let go. Most things, in fact.

B) Yes. Obsessively.

Do you volunteer for extra tasks?

A) Christ, no. I don’t get paid enough.

B) Not absolutely everything. Although I did volunteer to reorganise the company filing systems last weekend, and then ran lunch break orientation seminars to ensure seamless implementation. You’re welcome!

Every office has a wanker, does yours?

A) Yes. At the moment she’s having a really f**king loud conversation with someone slightly less annoying.
B) No. Everyone’s really nice. I made us all badges that say so.

Mostly As: You are the office wanker, and destined for a career in lower middle-management. However, you’re so lacking in self-awareness that you see this as a major win.

Mostly Bs: No, it’s not you. You’re a normal, bored shitless office drone and that’s where you’ll stay, until the wanker inevitably becomes your supervisor.

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Davids and Daves locked in secret war of absolute hatred

MEN who shorten the name David to ‘Dave’ are held in seething contempt by those who stick with the more formal option, it has emerged.

While guys who are happy to be addressed in a more casual fashion have confirmed they think blokes who insist on ‘David’ are uptight wankers.

David Logan said: “David is a noble name with a proud history. Michelangelo’s sculpture representing the strength and beauty of man wouldn’t have the same impact if it was called ‘Dave’, would it?

“And would the Thin White Duke have transformed popular culture if he was called ‘Dave Bowie’? No. He’d have been some chancer who did a bodge job on your bathroom and charged you three grand for it. Davids are clearly better.”

Dave Hudson commented: “All the coolest people christened David shorten it. Dave Grohl, Dave Brubeck, Dave Navarro. And it’s obvious David Attenborough is called Dave when he’s not on telly. He’s too great not to be.

“There are legions of dickish guys called David, though, from Beckham to Mellor to Schwimmer. And then there’s that mega twat who f**ked the country, David Cameron. I rest my case.”

David Logan added: “Damn. He’s got me there.”