Boss who says ‘Cheer up, it might never happen!’ unaware he is what has happened

A SALES manager who tells employees ‘Cheer up, it might never happen!’ has no idea that they cannot because it has happened and it is he.

Stephen Malley, aged 54, uses the phrase on a daily basis without ever understanding that he, and indeed his characteristic phrase, are the very event he optimistically warns about.

Colleague Joanna Kramer said: “I was cheerful, mate. And then it happened. Fucking you walked through the door.

“To be asked to graft on a fake smile for the benefit of the very twat who is the reason all genuine smiles have gone is an insult wrapped in a philosopical conundrum.

“‘It might never happen,’ he says. What, I might not get a boss who’s an insufferable dickhead? I might not have to pretend to laugh at his offensive jokes?

“What actually happened is that Stephen got promoted, has a company Audi, gets a five-figure bonus and can’t understand why everyone else isn’t as happy as he is at this news.”

Malley said: “Come on guys, turn those frowns upside down! Why’s everybody got a case of the Mondays?”

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House prices increase by precisely the amount of stamp duty cut

THE price of homes for first-time buyers has gone up by exactly what they are set to save after yesterday’s cut in stamp duty.

Prospective first-time buyers of a £280,000 London flat, set to save £4,000 in stamp duty, will now find that the flat costs £284,000.

Estate agent Carolyn Ryan said: “I’ve just finished changing all the prices in the windows.

“It took two hours actually, so unfortunately we will have to pass that on to buyers as an extra £200 admin fee.”

First-time buyer Nikki Hollis said: “With this, two combined wages, and a £40k deposit borrowed from my parents – actually, better make that £44k – we can afford the one-bedroom ex-council Catford flat of our dreams.”

Renter Tom Logan, however, said: “This is a joke. It’s all very well for the likes of Nikki. I’m on £24,000 a year with no deposit, no rich parents.

“I’m going to be stuck in this one-bedroom council flat in Catford forever.”