Colleague who suggested 'virtual secret Santa' told to piss off

AN office worker who floated the idea of doing a virtual secret Santa has been told to piss off by colleagues, it has been confirmed.

The instruction came after Carolyn Ryan suggested her team could anonymously exchange pieces of tat worth up to £10 via Zoom “for a bit of festive fun”.

Co-worker Donna Sheridan said: “As if 2020 hasn’t been bad enough. And now Carolyn wants me to trawl around the few remaining shops for a mug that Mark from accounting might find funny? Jog on.

“With each passing day you could tell there was a tacit agreement that we’d quietly let secret Santa slide this year, along with eating a balanced diet and not wanking during work hours. Then Carolyn goes and ruins it.

“Although if she just wants to post me the cash value I won’t stop her.”

Ryan’s boss Tom Logan said: “I’ve been looking for a reason to sack Carolyn for ages, and this is the perfect excuse.

“Her work’s been subpar but HR need something more concrete than that. Once I tell them she tried to organise something that might boost morale she’ll be out the door, no questions asked.”

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This is the best country in the world if dickheads like me can be a minister

By education secretary Gavin Williamson

IT wasn’t a slip of the tongue. You can take America, France and Germany and stick them up your arse. Britain is the best country in the world and my career is living proof of it.

‘Williamson’s nothing special,’ they said. ‘He’s a nobody, a dangerously useless waste of an off-the-peg suit, a weapons-grade wanker.’ But where else could someone like me rise to the top of the tree?

In somewhere like Belgium I’d never have made it above the level of junior town hall administrator. Or possibly janitor. That’s because their cumbersome and bureaucratic system of red tape makes sure only competent people get the top jobs.

Not so in Britain. All you need to succeed here is a misguided belief in your own abilities and being a Brexit yes-man. These are the values I stand for.

But let’s take a moment to look at why all other countries are shit. America – too big. Spain – too hot. Belgium, where they’re making the vaccine – those continental freaks have mayonnaise on their chips. 

Yes, I have cocked up numerous times in the past, including leaks and moronic comments. But we learn from our mistakes and only in Britain, the world’s top country, would I be allowed to continue on this learning curve.

Inspired by my story? Join me in this land of political opportunity. All you need is massive overconfidence and the ability to talk shite, and you too can be living the British dream.