Delighted supply teacher gets the 'colouring-in class' again

A SUPPLY teacher is pleased to have been assigned to a class of 13-year-old low-achievers for whom colouring-in is still considered a valid lesson.

Tom Logan is looking forward to an hour with class 8EB during which he will do some marking, surf the internet and send humorous texts to his wife mocking the pupils.

Logan said: “I can’t blatantly just make them colour in shapes because parents might complain, but I can pretend we’re learning pie charts.

“Or we might have a spelling lesson with – you guessed it – lots of pictures. I’ve already photocopied the worksheets and commandeered all the felt tips, so Miss Cooper needn’t try to muscle in on my scam.

“Is this robbing the kids of an education? Yes, absolutely. They should be getting intensive tutoring to bring them up to acceptable standards, but that would require spending money.

“Anyway they love colouring-in, even though they’re far too fucking old for it. And anything that involves Liam Houghton not battering someone is a positive educational outcome.”

Logan later reported that the lesson had been “wonderfully pointless” and two pupils had been graded A++ for not colouring over the lines.

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I regret to inform British businesses that it is necessary for us to go mad

by Greg Clark

AS BUSINESS secretary of the current Conservative government, I have made assurances to companies operating within the UK that we will operate in their best interests. 

Unfortunately, those assurances cannot be kept. Because it is regretfully necessary for myself, the Conservative party and Britain to go completely insane.

In October 2016 I promised Nissan that their manufacturing interests in the UK would not be adversely affected. And, at that time, I meant every word.

But since then the British people, who speak directly to Theresa May through whispers in her poisoned brain, have informed her that they do not care for business continuity. That they do not care for jobs, or money, or food. That economic disaster would be welcomed.

So instead I can promise you that your investments in the country will tank, that your starving workforce will riot, and that your factories will be seized and nationalised under the inevitable Corbyn government.

I would like to hope our insanity will only be temporary. That, once living standards have fallen to levels not seen for a century, we will welcome you back with open arms and low, low wages.

However, it appears more plausible that within a decade our shattered nation will be at war – either with the EU, or itself – and will not need the Nissan X-Trail, Qashqai, or indeed any other sport utility vehicle.

My apologies for the inconvenience. Get out. Get out now.